How your legislator spends his time

by Jack Stapleton, Jr.

No session of the Missouri General Assembly is complete without the expenditure of countless hours for “constituent services” by virtually every member of the state Senate and House of Representatives. This time-honored process isn’t mentioned even once in the state’s Constitution.

Veteran lawmakers seem to enjoy keeping newly elected lawmakers in the dark about what happens to them once they are sworn into office. Some suggest that when new members raise their right hands and say, “I do,” they are unwittingly agreeing to pursue any request of any of the thousands of voters in their district.

Inexperience makes constituent requests so time consuming that new patronage-dispensing neophytes lack sufficient time to learn their traditional duties — such as memorizing countless parliamentary rules and never mentioning the name of the other chamber seated a few yards away, thereby making a confusing process all the more so.

Back-home, the folks who worked hard to elect their new legislator, believe the reason they haven’t heard from their new political pal is because he or she has predictably become a high-hatted snob. Worse, constituents may even conclude the new official is still hung from the election-night celebration party or has taken up with some floozy who migrated to Jefferson City from Worth County.

Here’s a list of the additional challenges thrown at unsuspecting freshman legislators who somehow thought that running for office would be the biggest problem they could face in their new World of Politics:

1. Find an apartment that doesn’t have the appearance of being No. 1 on Cole County’s list of condemned buildings.

2. Find a decent apartment with a five-month lease at a cost that doesn’t exceed the legislator’s 12-month salary.

3. Find a clean restaurant that serves delicious, yet economical, food morning, noon and night.

4. Discover the proper route from apartment to the Capitol without always ending up in Westphalia or Sedalia.

5. Locate a competent, yet not flashy, secretary to man the lawmaker’s office, which must be shared with three other freshmen members and their secretaries, and which was originally designed to be a fourth-floor broom closet.

6. Search for some kind soul in Legislative Research who hasn’t grown weary of explaining the difference between first, second and third readings of a bill and will volunteer to alert you when a bell signals a chamber vote.

7. Fake hearing loss when requesting a desk that is 100 feet closer to the podium than the nearest rest room.

8. Stock up on a large quantity of no-doze pills that will make your appearance resemble that of members who are reasonably alert and do not snore in their sleep. Seek medical attention immediately if you have a habit of talking loudly while asleep.

9. Be prepared for any frantic request from a hometown constituent, who you know voted for your opponent, for a special license number no larger than two digits.

10. Make certain that the Governor and other high ranking elected officials recognize your face, even if they’re unable to remember your name, particularly when you are showing a constituent the Thomas Hart Benton murals.

Finally, repeat over and over: ‘Things are bound to get better.’ Remember, you got yourself into this mess.

[Missouri News & Editorial Services, Inc. Copyright (C) 2003 MNES Corp.]