by Freida Marie Crump
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Greetin’s from the Ridge.
“Herb, get dressed. Church starts in an hour.”
“You better tend to our souls by yourself this morning, Freida. I don’t quite feel up to the Methodists.”
“This ain’t a Methodist issue, Herb. It’s time for church, you’re plumb healthy and we never miss.”
“It’s that Singapore thing, Freida. I think I’ve got it.”
“Herb, whatever you hear about, you get. Your only problem is too much television.”
“That’s ridiculous. I’m a sick man with an unfeeling wife.”
“You don’t have that Singapore thing, and you don’t have that Hong Kong thing. You’ve got a Herb Crump thing and that means you’ve got nothing. Now get up and get dressed.”
“I think my right hand is numb.”
“Your right hand is always numb because you sleep on it.”
“It’s turnin’ purple.”
“You got your gloves wet yesterday and the color bled on your hand. Look, you got it on the bed sheet too.”
“How do you know the bed sheet didn’t catch my Hong Kong thing?”
“You remember when you watched that ABC news special on unwed mothers? You claimed you had labor pains for three days.”
“Talk all you want, woman. I’m stayin’ in bed today. Could you hand me the TV remote?”
“You gonna watch the war again?”
“I gotta know what happened last night.”
“God forbid somebody would try to fight a war without you, Herb. Sweetheart, you’ve gotta get out of the house and away from that stupid television. You ain’t been yourself since the war started and don’t think I haven’t noticed.”
“That’s silly.”
“You’re tellin’ me. You thought you had smallpox all winter ‘til the news reports started dyin’ off. I’m tellin’ you, old man, you’re becoming a victim of what you watch! You wanna know what you’ve really got?”
“Tell me oh great physician.”
“You’ve got CNN poisoning!”
“Oh good grief, Freida.”
“I’m serious as a crutch, Herb. On your death certificate they’re gonna put ‘Death by CNN.’ We watch the war ‘til we fall asleep then we flip it on first thing in the morning and we live with it all day.”
“Freida, there are young men and women fightin’ for us over there and…”
“But that is not the reason you’re watchin’, Herb! It’s like the way you slow down and rubberneck when we pass an accident on the highway. It’s morbid curiosity and that’s all!”
“That is the most unpatriotic thing I’ve heard all morning, Freida. You need to get yourself off to confession right now.”
“I’m Methodist, Herb. We don’t confess, we share.”
“Freida, there is nothin’ wrong with staying informed about the world. You’ve always been such an old news hound. I’m surprised to hear you talkin’ this way.”
“There is a limit, Herb. Back when we could only catch the news twice a day it was a good thing to watch it, but this 24-7 business is startin’ to wear on the nation and on you in particular. It’s CNN poisoning, Herb. Pure and simple.”
“Maybe we wouldn’t fight so many wars if we watched ‘em 24-7.”
“I won’t disagree Herb, but you and me have gotta be concerned about our own sanity, too. It’s springtime, Honey. The birds are chirpin’ and the tulips are bloomin’. God didn’t plan all that just be set decoration from your front window. You’ve gotta get out there and experience it! It’s holy therapy, Herb! Get up and take your medicine! Heck, let’s even walk to church today!”
“Can I take a radio and earphones?”
“No you cannot! Up! Up boy! There’s a life to live and we’re gonna live it!”
“You remind me of the worst camp counselor I ever had, Freida.”
“Anybody who stays home to watch bad news instead of walkin’ down the street to find a cure for the bad news is sicker than he thought!”
“But what if somethin’ happens while we’re gone?”
“You’re goin’ to church, Herb. Think of it as a long commercial.”
You ever in Coonridge, stop by. We may not answer the door but you’ll enjoy the trip.