Coonridge Digest: What’s best for homeland security

Greetin’s from the Ridge.

"Herb, where in the heck are you?"

"In here!"

"Where’s here?"

"Here."

"Herb, what in the name of all that’s holy have you done to the bathroom door!?"

"I’ve secured it."

"There’s duct tape all over the woodwork that I spent a weekend paintin’!"

"Security measures, sweetheart."

"You duct taped yourself into the bathroom?"

"It’s Homeland Security, Freida."

"You’re gonna sit out the war in our bathroom?"

"Just ‘til the worst of it’s over."

"The worst of it’s just beginnin’ if you don’t come out of that bathroom this minute. Herb, nobody’s gonna gas Coonridge."

"That’s what they said about Pearl Harbor."

"This ain’t Pearl Harbor! It’s a Coonridge toilet for gosh sakes! The UN’s got a resolution, Herb! You can’t bomb or gas a town unless it’s on the map!"

"Never heard of such a law."

"It’s the Coonridge Amnesty Act of 2003. Everybody signed it but France, Germany and Russia."

"You live your life as normal as you like, Freida. I’m taped in for the duration."

"What’s all this bottled water on the washin’ machine?"

"I got most of it in here. I left a couple for you if you survive the first blast."

"The first blast you hear is gonna be me comin’ through that door with our garden tractor! This is the dumbest of all the dumb things you ever did, you old dummy!"

"They let the gas loose on Coonridge and you’ll be beggin’ me to let you into my bathroom."

"Herb, the day I bang on anything to climb into a bathroom with you …!"

"Sure. Talk all you want. I left extra batteries on the coffee table."

"I’m supposed to throw the batteries at the terrorists?"

"For the flashlight. They’ll take out the electric systems once they poison the water and drop the gas."

"I am gonna cancel your subscription to The Holy Patriot Magazine. And why have you got the microwave and refrigerator plastic wrapped?"

"It’ll be our only food supply once they destroy the town."

"How am I supposed to get in there?"

"You’ll have to eat out until the gas clears."

"Eat out? Herb, if we get bombed and gassed there ain’t gonna be no ‘Out’!"

"Your Aunt Helen could survive any bomb blast. Go live with her."

"Just how am I supposed to use the bathroom while you’re in there fightin’ for justice and freedom?"

"Look out the back window."

"A porta-potty! Herb Crump, I am not gonna go trapsin’ out in this weather to use the john!"

"George Washington did it and he became President."

"Herb, have you been drinkin’?"

"I don’t drink."

"Then start. Get snookered, pass out in the bathtub where you won’t be hit by the flyin’ splinters as I come crashin’ through this door. If I’m lyin’, I’m dyin’, Herb! I’ll give you ‘til the count of three!"

"Don’t get crazy, woman!"

"You’re the one makin’ me crazy! I mean it, Herb! Get out of the way! Freida’s comin’ through!"

"Don’t! You’ll hurt the dog!"

"We don’t have a dog."

"I bought one this afternoon. I knew you’d never join me for my last hours on earth, and I needed companionship."

"One!…Two!…What’s that noise?"

"Hang on a minute, Freida! The dog’s gaspin’ for air. I’ve got him in a baggie."

"Herb, don’t try to get out. I’m movin’ the kitchen table in front of the bathroom door. The best thing I can do for homeland security is to keep nuts like you locked in the jar."

You ever in Coonridge, stop by. We may not answer the door but you’ll enjoy the trip.