Coonridge Digest: Resolutions

Greetin’s from the Ridge.

I have found it more prudent to wait until at least a week into the new year to make any resolutions. This saves me the embarrassment of publicly pronouncin’ anything I know I can’t keep.

So here goes…In the year 2003 I resolve:

To pay no attention to what President Bush says and instead try my best to figure out what he means. I am makin’ this resolution in deference to my Republican friends who accuse me of bein’ too hard on Dubya. They say that the press blows his malaprops plumb out of proportion and that in fact he’s extremely plain spoken. (In spite of the fact that the hottest sellin’ calendar of the Internet’s main provider is a desk calendar featurin’ one wacky Bush quote for every day of the year.)

I also resolve to not watch any more TV shows or movies that take place underwater. This may sound a bit odd to you but once you reach a certain age you can regard your strangeness as bein’ quaint or charming. Maybe it’s my eyesight but I just can’t see anything through the bubbles. (This is in no way related to resolution number one.)

Next, I want one more whack at the telemarketers. Most states are enacting laws that will curtail the dastardly phone calls at suppertime. Federal legislation will also take effect. I plan to sign up for all plans to get my name on the don’t-call lists, but until then I resolve to cause the buggers as much grief as possible. For Christmas, Herb and I bought each other air horns to take one last blast at the parasites.

I’ve forever given up any resolutions about weight loss. Instead I resolve to find an overweight doctor. I’ve suffered through a half-century of lectures from skinny MD’s and I’m due a few remainin’ years of sympathy. There’s nothin’ more infuriatin’ than an undernourished doctor who considers celery with low-fat dressing to be gourmet fare.

I also resolve to stop givin’ our poor, overworked, underpaid public servants a hard time. When the new Senate Majority Leader stopped to aid those accident victims last week he proved me wrong forever. It is possible for a politician to be useful. However, if I find that this doesn’t start some sort of trend among the politicos, I plan to return to my irritable ways.

One resolution that I firmly intend to fulfill is to spend some time this year learnin’ about the other religions of this world. If the events of the last two years have done nothin’ else, at least they’ve awakened us all to the fact that we’re not alone on this earth. The least I can do is to understand where the other fella is comin’ from. This may not seem like much of a resolve on my part, but you’ve got to realize that this comes from a gal who still doesn’t know why Methodists can’t get along, still wonders what it takes to make a Presbyterian smile, and is still confused as to why somebody with a heart condition should ever sit in front of a Pentecostal on Sunday mornin’.

I think that maybe my biggest resolve would be to just put things in order. Set priorities. Stop wastin’ time with the meaningless little frou-frou of life and center my mind on the stuff that matters. Up until a year ago I had the finest knick-knack collection in Coonridge. I bought knick-knacks, I collected knick-knacks, and I hoarded knick-knacks. I was the easiest person to buy for at the annual Ladies Association Foundation Guild Christmas name-draw because they knew I could always use another knick-knack. In fact, folks would come survey my knick-knacks for fear they’d buy me a knick-knack that already looked like another one of my knick-knacks. While everybody else spent Saturday mornin’ shoppin’ or doin’ laundry, it was my day to dust off my knick-knacks. Then one day in a terrible fit of somethin’ indefinable (In a single day I’d heard a sermon on over-consumption and listened to George Carlin’ monologue on "stuff") I gathered up every knick-knack in my little Knick-Knacker Kingdom and put ‘em out at a yard sale. Folks nicked in and soon got the knack of buyin’ up the whole lot. By noon my knick-knacks were spread all over Coonridge as folks startin’ on their own collections or added to their own compilation of junk.

The bottom line? My Saturdays are now as free as my conscience. Number one resolve for 2003: Clear out the knick-knacks.

Okay, cancel the Bush resolution. On tonight’s news he said, "I think the economy’s really in pretty good shape considerin’ that we’ve been in a recession." So much for resolutions.

You ever in Coonridge, stop by. We may not answer the door but you’ll enjoy the trip.