Coonridge Digest: A White House friend

Greetin’s from the Ridge.

9 a.m. Springfield, Illinois. "Let’s go home and watch him on T.V., Freida. There ain’t a parkin’ place left in this whole town."

"Whoa! There by yellow curb. Nobody’s gonna be checkin’ fire hydrants with the President in town."

"But Freida…"

"Park it, Herb!"

9:30 a.m. "Tickets? You gotta pay to see a President? I’m payin’ his salary!"

"The tickets are free, m’am, but you’ve got to have one."

"My husband voted for him. Don’t that count for somethin’?"

"You’ll have to wait across the street with the others."

"Will he be comin’ by here?"

"That hasn’t been disclosed. I can’t promise anything."

10:00 a.m. "There’s got to be toilet somewhere in Springfield, Freida. It’s a government town."

"I told you to go before we came."

"I am not a tanker, Freida. A man has needs and I need to go."

"You’re a Republican. You oughta be used to holdin’ your own."

10:35 a.m. "Look Herb! There he is!"

"It’s just a big black car."

"Presidents drive big black cars, Herb."

"Governors drive big black cars. Senators drive big black cars. Our town drunk drives a big black car when he’s able. It’s just a big black car."

11:00 a.m. "That camera says NBC, Herb! We’re gonna be on television!"

"He’s pointin’ it at the Armory, not us."

"Come on, let’s get in the shot!"

"Freida, you can’t go over there! Freida, they’ve got the whole street blocked off!"

11:03 a.m. "Does this lady belong to you?"

"Never seen her in my life."

"Herb! Tell the officer I’m your wife!"

"Could you please keep her on this side of the street?"

"Sure. Who is she again?"

11:20 a.m. "Sirens, Herb! The Presidents comin’ our way!"

"Maybe they’re just towin’ off an old Pontiac parked in front of a fire hydrant."

"You’re in a good mood. You didn’t tinkle on the Governor’s yard did you?"

"I knocked on the door and nobody let me in. They had their chance."

11:30 a.m. "It’s startin’ Herb, and here we are left standin’ on the curb."

"The Secret Service can spot a Democrat a block away, Freida. You’ve been profiled and I got tagged along with you."

11:45 a.m. "Herb! You hear that?"

"Sounds like a party."

"He’s in the building, Herb! He snuck in we weren’t lookin’!"

"The President doesn’t sneak anywhere, Freida. Did you expect him to come across the street to shake our hands?"

"He could have at least waved."

"Let’s go. I’m wet to the bone and froze stiff."

"We’ll catch a glimpse of him when he comes out. You just watch."

12:20 p.m. "Well, I watched. I watched the rain soak my coat. I watched my knees shake in the cold. I watched the reflection of the State Police red lights against the wall of the Armory. And I watched myself get froze for a President I never got a glimmer of."

"But we were here, Herb. That’s important. And I’m sure that in George Bush’s heart of hearts he’s glad we came."

"I’ll bet he phones Laura from his plane to tell him we turned out."

12:50 p.m. "What’s that on the windshield?"

"It’s a parkin’ ticket, Freida. I told you it was a fire hydrant."

"The nerve! Gimme that. I’m sendin’ this to Washington. I got a friend in the White House."

"It’s the American way, Herb. Any citizen can have access to her President."

"And any husband can miss the Bears game to stand in the rain. I may not even vote."

You ever in Coonridge, stop by. We may not answer the door but you’ll enjoy the trip.