Coonridge Digest: I yearn for the old days, Herb

Greetin’s from the Ridge.

"Herb, we’ve sold our soul."

"Speak for yourself, Freida. Mine’s in perfect workin’ order."

"I mean our country’s soul."

"I didn’t know we had any left. How long’s Clinton been out of office?"

"Let’s talk about the present, Mr. Crump. We’re about to sell our national soul and nobody seems to mind."

"Maybe that’s because nobody knows what you’re talkin’ about."

"Chechnya, Herb."

"Watch your mouth."

"It’s a part of the Soviet Union. The government in Moscow has been beatin’ the tar out of the place, they’ve kidnaped thousands of freedom fighters with trial, and reliable sources say that torture is an everyday occurrence."

"Freida, you haven’t had a straight thought ever since CNN started broadcastin’."

"Herb, our government has been complainin’ about this for years and now we’re preparin’ to turn a blind eye!"

"Fill me in. I’ve been watchin’ the other tragedies and carnage."

"Like what?"

"The St. Louis Rams."

"We want Russia’s vote on invadin’ Iraq so we’re willin’ to look the other way on Chechnya."

"I’ll be honest, Freida. I have a tussle of a time gettin’ concerned about anything I can’t pronounce."

"You mispronounced Raquel Welch’s name for twenty years and I don’t remember your interest flaggin’ on a single wiggle."

"That’s different. I’d memorized her hips."

"Herb!"

"Freida, if we’re gonna get any kind of agreement in the U.N., we need Russia’s vote. We gotta make a few compromises to serve the greater good."

"Where’d you hear that?"

"I made it up. It was a stroke of wisdom."

"The last time you was struck with wisdom you slept it off. Herb, if we’re gonna expect to be blessed in all this then we’ve gotta play it by the book. If we’re gonna claim the moral upper ground then we can’t be standin’ knee deep in the sinkin’ sand of hypocrisy!"

"You’re a wonder, Freida. Most Democrats talk out of the side of the mouth but I could swear you were talkin’ right at me when you just spouted that naive foolishness."

"It ain’t foolishness, Herb! We’re turnin’ our back on one nation’s murderous ways just to make our own acts seem justified."

"I hope you don’t talk like that in public, Freida."

"No, I’ll do it under the table, just like the President."

"You know when the whole world blows because of the that bully in Baghdad, you’re gonna be wringin’ your peace-lovin’ hands about how we could let a tyrant like that get away with it."

"We can’t fight dirty, Herb! I believe there’s justice in the universe even though it’s sadly lackin’ in Washington. There’s no way we’re gonna be blessed usin’ such grimy tactics!"

"It’s simple, Freida. You’d rather be dead than wrong and I’d just as soon be practical and here to tell about it."

"It just makes me mad, Herb. In order to fight what we call our terrorists, we allow another nation to terrorize all it wants."

"There are those in Moscow who’d say they’re fightin’ their own terrorists in Chez…uh…Chet’"

"Chechnya."

"Bless you."

"I yearn for the old days, Herb… the days when we could claim to be the moral leaders of the world and not just because we’ve got the biggest gun."

"Wake up, darlin’. Those days never existed."

"The forgive me while I dream…and hope."

"And hope."

You ever in Coonridge, stop by. We may not answer the door but you’ll enjoy the trip.