Coonridge Digest: Do I look like a fragile little creature to you?

Greetin’s from the Ridge.

"Herb, I’ve been thinkin’."

"Lord help me. I’m goin’ for coffee."

"Slap your tail back into that chair, Herb. This Enron and Worldcom and Crookcom stuff. You see anything missin’?"

"My interest. I could care less, Freida."

"And that’s part of the problem, you old chauvinist."

"I should of left the house after breakfast."

"You see anything missin’ from all this talk of lyin’ and cheatin’ corporate executives?"

"Why do I feel like you’re about to tell me?"

"Women. The women aren’t mentioned in these tales of fraud and bamboozlin’."

"Maybe they just wanted to protect the fragile little creatures by withholdin’ their names."

"Do I look like a fragile little creature to you?"

"No Freida, this mornin’ you look like an entirely different kind of creature."

"It’s all men, Herb! Every tale of dishonesty and corruption we’ve heard of this year has involved the male species! Good night a-mighty! They even cheat in golf! Did you read this in USA Today? A fella named Chad Struer works for 20 top executives in the Fortune 500 list and he plays golf with ‘em. He says that one in three cheat at golf every time they hit the course! He said they shave strokes, step on the other players’ golf balls and kick their own out of the rough. And this is the guy the CEO’s hire to investigate the honesty of other companies!"

"They’re merely highly motivated, win-oriented examples of American manhood, Freida. It’s their job to be successful. Makes all us little stockholders happy."

"They’re crooks whether they’re balancin’ books or bangin’ a ball around the 18th hole, Herb. Dishonesty’s bone deep and they’re all men! They’re used to gettin’ their way and they can’t stop when they put on their golf cleats."

"Women don’t cheat, Freida? You never had one lie to you?"

"The Washington Post set up two imaginary candidates: an imaginary Republican woman and an imaginary Democrat male, and gave ‘em identical biographies. Seventy percent of folks said they trusted the woman."

"That’s because she was a Republican."

"You ever eaten a sofa pillow, Herb?"

"I wish there were more imaginary Democrats."

"Herb, listen to me! It’s because she was a woman. People trust women more than men! It’s as simple as that."

"I read the article, Freida. Fewer than 1% of the top companies are run by women. That’s why you don’t read about ‘em. And the gals take up only 12% of the seats on corporate boards. You can’t tell me that’s fair samplin’ of honesty."

"It’s a fair samplin’ of discrimination."

"Here we go again."

"Herb, this is a skewed old world we’re livin’ in and it’s because we’ve got the monkeys in charge of the zoo. The male monkeys."

"Freida, there’s nothin’ I want more than to just drop this whole conversation and join my fellow apes down at the coffee shop, but since it’s clear you ain’t gonna let go of my tail, I gotta tell you somethin’ that’s gonna hurt."

"Lay on, McDuff."

"Women don’t like takin’ orders from women. I’m sorry, but the fault lies as squarely with the female species as it does with us idiots in the other gender. It’s pure primal competition, sweetheart. A woman’s got to be twice as capable as a man in order to gain the same respect, and when she gets that competent then she’s resented, most particularly by her fellow tribeswomen."

"I cannot believe you said that."

"Me either. I hate doin’ my own cookin’."

"Herb Crump, I can longer discuss such an important issue with a chauvinist nincompoop!"

"Look, just call up Flo McBride. They elected her as our first female Sunday School superintendent and the ladies are fit to be tied."

"Flo McBride? I’m not about to take advice from that woman!"

You ever in Coonridge, stop by. We may not answer the door but you’ll enjoy the trip.