by Debbie Farmer
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When it comes to life’s little necessities, there are two different kinds of people in the world: Those who have 36 spare boxes of Kleenex, three dozen rolls of toilet paper, and a bazillion cans of tuna fish stacked in their cupboards because, "It was on sale. And those who prefer to go through life buying things as they go, one-at-a-time full price.
I, myself, always been a more fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of girl, mindlessly moving through the day, never quite knowing where my next box of tissue will be coming from. Not that there’s anything wrong with this, mind you, but I find this particularly strange because I come from a long line of hoarders. In fact, shocking as it may seem, my mother never had to desperately drive to the grocery store in the middle of the night in her robe and bunny slippers to buy a bottle of acetaminophen for a sick child at home. Not even once.
My husband, as you might expect, doesn’t fully appreciate my way of life.
"Do you know how much money we’d save," he said to me one day, "if you bought a case of laundry detergent rather than just one box at a time?"
"A lot," I said. "That is if it sticks around long enough to use. But what if there’s, say, a flash flood or a tornado? Or what if a filthy robber breaks into our house and steals all one hundred and twenty-five boxes of Tide with Bleach Alternative before we have a chance to do that much laundry? Just how much money would we save then? Huh? HUH?"
I could tell by the look on his face that he was no match for such airtight, intellectual reasoning.
Now there are some of you that are shaking your heads and wondering how I can possibly go through my life with this one day-at-a-time sort of attitude. Others of you are sitting there wondering if I have any Q-tips and, if so, can I possibly mail you a few to hold you over until the next time you happen to make it to the store. (And you know who you are).
But, let me just stop right here and say that, as a group, non-hoarders are grossly misunderstood. It’s not like we’re lazy or irresponsible or anything like that. It’s just that there is a certain thrill to "pushing the envelope," so to speak. That is, if we had one.
But I think we all know what’s really going on here. My theory is that everybody hoards something. It’s just that some things are more obvious than others.
And not only that, you certain can tell a lot about a person by the types of things they stockpile. I mean top psychologists and women’s magazines have done actual studies on this. For example, my friend Julie has over 42 boxes of Dixie cups in her garage which, I suspect, means that she has either has deep-rooted feeling of emptiness, or she’s really, really thirsty. My friend Sue’s cache of microwave popcorn means she’s feeding an inner hunger. And my friend Linda’s obsession with stocking up on toilet paper probably means something so twisted and awful that I would pay good money not to find out what that might be.
Oh, sure, one day I might change my ways. But now I have better things to do with my time than buying cotton balls a bazillion at a time. I am, after all, a renegade – a free spirit untethered by material necessities.
Or I will be, as soon as I get back from the store with a new tube of toothpaste.
Unless, of course, you have some I can borrow.
Debbie Farmer is a humorist and mother holding down the fort in California. Readers can reach Debbie at familydaze@oasisnewsfeatures. com, www.familydaze.com, or at Debbie Farmer, c/o Oasis Newsfeatures, P. O. Box 2144, Middletown, Ohio, 45042.