Coonridge Digest: Good night, Herb! What’ve we come to?

Greetin’s from the Ridge.

"Herb, where’d you get this watermelon?"

"At the stop sign."

"What?"

"The fella had his truck pulled up beside the road and I just picked one up."

"Take it back."

"You can return a watermelon to a movin’ truck, Freida. What’s wrong with it?"

"There’s no seeds."

"I know. It’s a seedless watermelon."

"That’s ridiculous. A watermelon’s gotta have seeds. How’s it gonna make more watermelons?"

"Maybe they have sex, I don’t know. Freida, they raise ‘em that way."

"It’s unnatural. Watermelons need seeds. What’ve you got left to spit?"

"You don’t. You just eat it and be quiet about it."

"I’ve never heard of anything so foolish."

"You eat seedless grapes."

"That’s so the seeds don’t get caught under my dentures. I’ve never in my life got a watermelon seed stuck under my upper plate."

"It’s the way of the world, Freida. Are you gonna carve it or just look at it?"

"Herb, I am sick and tired of folks lookin’ out for me! I’m a fully-grown lady and I can take care of myself! I can drink water without bein’ charged a buck for the plastic bottle, I can eat canned beans without the nutritional content printed on the side of the can, and I can safely handle a tub of margarine without it bein’ shrink-wrapped, hermetically sealed, then covered in three more layers of packaging! Good night, Herb! What’ve we come to?"

"You won’t want to hear this, but I enjoy watchin’ you sizzle. You seen what it says in today’s paper? There’s a firm that’s sellin’ Child-Locks. It’s a quick-tach gizmo to lock your child in her room."

"What on earth for?"

"It’s the kidnappings, Freida. You lock ’em in their room all night so they won’t be carried off in the middle of the night."

"That is ridiculous! Don’t tell me…it’s a California idea."

"You’re right. For forty bucks you can lock up Junior and Missy then go to a movie."

"Have those ying-yangs ever considered just lockin’ the door to the house?"

"I guess this is in case the plumber tries to steal your kids."

"What have we come, Herb? We’re scared of our own shadows! Whatever happened to the days when you just took your chances and let it go at that?"

"If you’re gonna throw one of your fits I’m goin’ to town."

"I could take a drive in my car that now costs mega-thousands more because of the mandatory safety equipment but I’ve got to stay away from crowded areas for fear of terrorists but I can’t stay home and sit on the front porch for fear of poison-tipped mosquitoes, so I’ve got to come inside and drink eight glasses of water a day which they now say is no good for you, so I’ll just go flounce on the bed and lock the door with my new kiddie-captor-lock, but I can’t stay too long for fear of radon poisoning and I can’t even eat a stupid watermelon for fear of chokin’ on the seeds! We’re drownin’ the juices of our own makin’, Herb! Good grief!"

"I’ll buy the kinds with seeds next time. Freida? Freida, speak to me, I promise I’ll get one that’s just loaded with the little buggers.

You’ll get a mouthful every time you chomp down. Freida, you can’t sit there in the middle of the floor all day long, the Schwann’s man is comin’ this afternoon."

"Leave me alone, Herb. I’m in the middle of a one-woman protest. I’m figuin’ out my manifesto as we speak."

"You look ridiculous."

"Herb, if the world’s gotta protect me from everything that might possibly poke, prod, poison or purloin me then I’m just gonna sit right here and do nothin’ until they decide to leave me alone."

"No good, Freida. They announced on the radio this mornin’ that the air quality’s gonna be so bad today that you probably shouldn’t breathe, either."

"Herb!"

You ever in Coonridge, stop by. We may not answer the door but you’ll enjoy the trip.