Coonridge Digest: Fundraiser to benefit Poor Michael Jackson

Greetin’s from the Ridge.

I hate as much as you when somebody uses the public media to promote a personal cause but in this case I just gotta make an exception. A fella’s in trouble and he needs your help. So, to save money on a paid advertisement, I’ll sneak it in: Next Saturday Coonridge Fundraiser to Benefit Poor Michael Jackson, Sniff Memorial Park and Bandstand, noon until we get tired and go home

As I’m sure all you Michael Jackson fans have heard, the boy’s in desperate financial straights and it’s up to all of us who have a soft heart for the downtrodden and needy of the world to pitch in and bail his little hiney out.

Here’s the crux of the thing: Poor Michael’s latest album, Invincible, has proved to be less so. It’s only sold 2 million copies and poor Michael claims that his recording company, Sony, has sabotaged the project because he’s not the right color. Poor Michael allows as how his total sales were about to eclipse that of Elvis and the Beatles, all reported to be white artists. And if this wasn’t bad enough, his financial advisor says that poor Michael has serious "cash-flow issues."

The fella said, "He spends multiples of what’s available."

Well, I’m shook and I don’t mind tellin’ you so. I mean, just what is a poor boy to do? It’s bad enough that the recording sold just a measly two million copies but now he’s apparently been forced to spend more than he earns.. What is a poor boy to do in this cruel and greedy world?

The local Poor Michael Jackson fan club of Coonridge has risen to the horrifyin’ occasion and we’re gonna take the necessary steps to put the poor kid back on his financial feet. We met at Leona McBride’s house last night, and after a opening session of intense sobbin’ and a short prayer led by Jodi Heitzman, we commenced to brain-stormin’ ideas to put poor Michael on the road to recovery.

I know it’s summer and everybody’s busy, but if you can see your way clear at all, we’d love to have you come support this noble cause.

We plan to start off things with a boom at straight up noon as Harold Spivey takes the stage. Harold is probably the foremost Poor Michael Jackson impersonator in Coonridge. Despite his 82 years, Harold can do a fairly accurate rendition of such Poor Michael hits as Thriller and Beat It. The walker has of course slowed him down in recent years but if he’s got a smooth stage and the weather’s calm, Howard can make those quick turns in less than a minute. Long-time fans of Howard will remember his awe-inspirin’ impersonations of Jimmy Stewart dancin’ with Eleanor Roosevelt at last year’s Burgoo. Frankly, once you’ve seen Howard, that may be enough for you.

We’ll be servin’ Maylene Tudson’s famous Poor Michael Jackson designer cookies throughout the day. Actually, Maylene has never designed a Poor Michael cookie before but she has several molds left over from Lincoln’s birthday as she allows as how just a little bendin’ and cuttin’ of her aluminum Abe molds will pass as Jackson as long as she puts on plenty of icing to cover the beard.

At about 2 o’clock the Grace Memorial Glee Club and Choir will present their "Great Hits of Poor Michael Jackson" medley. Epiphany Smith Baret, the choir’s director, will conduct the twenty-six-voice chorus with a single white-gloved hand and Rena Flayer has been cuttin’ 26 pair of black spangly pants too short for the occasion.

The real highlight of the day is scheduled right before suppertime as Kenny Wayne and the high school drama club plan to present "The Life and Times of Poor Michael Jackson in Song and Drama." Wayne told me that it would be a "dramatic tableau of epicurean proportions." I have no idea what they’ll do, but since our little drama club seems to do everything else to excess, we can expect quite an extravaganza. The forty-minute production promises to trace Jackson’s life all the way from his humble beginnings as a poor little rich boy, up through adolescence as a poor little rich teenager, to a poor little rich man of indeterminate age and inclination.

Of course we can always hope that the guest of honor will attend in person but with poor Michael’s busy schedule this may be impossible. And I personally doubt that he could afford the trip with only two million copies sold.

Well, I hope I’ve not imposed too heavy on your good graces. It’s just that sometimes there’s a cause that comes along that might be beyond your belief had you not heard it from a reliable source.

You ever in Coonridge, stop by. We may not answer the door but you’ll enjoy the trip.