Coonridge Digest: Legislators, please set an example!

Greetin’s from the Ridge.

It’s amazing what you can hear if you keep your ears open. An anonymous maid in the Eternal Arms Hotel in Washington, D.C. sent me this conversation she overheard while dustin’ keyholes late one night. The room was occupied by our favorite Midwest senator, Lloyd Pander.

PANDER: Dear Lord, I come to you tonight, frightfully concerned with what’s happened in the California Courts.

LORD: Is that you, Lloyd?

PANDER: Yes Lord, your humble servant and ranking member of the Senate oversight committee.

LORD: Sorry. It’d been so long I didn’t recognize your voice.

PANDER: Sorry Lord. Seems I’m always called in for vote every time we’re about to talk.

LORD: You can’t talk and walk?

PANDER: Lord, it’s this Pledge of Allegiance thing. Do you realize that a handful of liberal California judges are saying it’s unconstitutional to have kids repeat the words "under God?" Lord, I want you to know that I stood up for you today on the floor of the senate.

LORD: I heard you.

PANDER: That’s it? That’s all you’ve got to say? Lord, I took a stand for you on national television! CNN picked out my sound bite for the Larry King show! I just wanted you to know that I’m behind you on this one, Lord.

LORD: I’m flattered, Lloyd. My stock just jumped 12 percent with your endorsement.

PANDER: Lord, it sounds as if you aren’t as thrilled about this as…

LORD: When are you coming up for reelection, Lloyd?

PANDER: Well..let’s see. I believe it’s this year.

LORD: I had even more supporters in the House. They only have two-year terms.

PANDER: Lord, You don’t mean to imply that I would use your name to…

LORD: Oh heavens, no. You’re a moral man, Lloyd. Which reminds me…what about your committee’s vote on the abortion bill?

PANDER: Lord, that bill needs lots more study.

LORD: At least in an election year. What about Social Security? Human Rights? Global warming? Lots more study needed, Lloyd?

PANDER: Lord, you just don’t understand the realities of politics…

LORD: Oh I do, Lloyd. I understand them perfectly.

PANDER: I don’t mean to interrupt the Creator of the Universe, but if we could just stick to the matters at hand. I told them that every child in America should be required to say the Pledge to the flag. It was magnificent.

LORD: I was there, Lloyd. I heard your speech. You said that the words "under God" were "a generic sort of moral oath that’s become a part of our American tradition and not an endorsement of any certain belief." Did you think you were paying me a compliment, Lloyd?

PANDER: I’m a politician, Lord. I need to gain as wide a support as I can if I’m going to get anything done.

LORD: Would you mind if I just came out and called you an idiot?

PANDER: Lord!

LORD: I thought you might object. Don’t worry. I don’t vote. Lloyd, the only thing that I truly want is a nation under God. What you stand up and say because some law requires it doesn’t impress me in the least.

PANDER: But, I thought I was…

LORD: Well, then you just didn’t think, Lloyd. You can’t legislate obedience. Men have been trying this silly trick for thousands of years and it’s not worked once. You want your kids to love your flag and follow your Lord? Then set an example by your own behavior and quit giving these silly speeches. You’re as transparent as glass, Lloyd.

PANDER: But every senator….

LORD: You know, when you were born I was the only one in favor of the idea, Lloyd. I had ten thousand angels advising me, "Father, he’ll just grow up and become a gassy windbag!" but I stuck with the idea. Aren’t you glad I didn’t put it up to a majority vote? Set an example, Lloyd.

Care for my people, feed my sheep, get a yearly checkup and stop giving speeches in my name to help your cause. I’ve got go now, Lloyd. 30,000 kids are going to starve before tomorrow morning and no one gave a speech about that.

You ever in Coonridge, stop by. We may not answer the door but you’ll enjoy the trip.