Family Daze: Things Moms think about

This may come as a shock, but once you become a parent, there are a lot of things to think about. And I don’t mean just the ol’ cloth-versus-disposable-bottle-versus-breast milk kind of issues. Oh noooo. Trust me, it will not be as simple as that. You will be confronted with the kind of issues that, back in your old life before colic and support panty hose, you never dreamed you’d EVER have to think about. Things like baby drool in hair, and bunny pajamas with feet, and where to store the bazillion or so plastic gadgets that, before children, you always thought you’d never need, but are crucial-to-your-very-existence-now.

However, don’t let this bother you. I mean, it’s not like you’ll have a whole lot of time between feedings, naps and driving the carpool to dwell on any thing, anyway.

But just so you know you’re not alone, here is a brief synopsis of the kinds of things most moms think about, if they get a chance.

Things to Ponder in Your (Ha, Ha) Free Time:

Why is someone who wore fairy princess wings and beaded ruby slippers everyday to preschool, now embarrassed when I pick her up from kindergarten wearing jeans and an old sweatshirt?

Who says tatter tots and blue Popsicles aren’t in one of the major food groups?

And for that matter, what exactly, is zwieback made of and how can you be sure it’s edible? (For those who wouldn’t know a zwieback is, if your life depended on it, they’re teething cookies for teething toddlers. They taste like black licorice. Bleeech.)

Why is a kid who hangs by his knees from the highest monkey bars and catapults himself off the top of the slide into the tire swing, can be afraid of the water going down the drain in the bathtub?

What is the best way to change a baby’s diaper in a restaurant without anybody noticing?

Who invented the onesie and why aren’t there twosies or threesies?

Does it count as a shower if you didn’t have time to get your hair wet?

What in the heck does the word "layette" mean?

On "Opposite Day", when I say "go wash your hands, it’s time to eat," to my children, does it really mean "go jump in the mud and throw up" or "dry your feet slowly and spit"?

Why is it impossible to talk on the phone without someone under ten shouting something about ice cream?

Will a six-month-old really know the difference if you read a trashy novel out loud at naptime instead of Pinocchio?

Do stuffed animals reproduce when left unchaparoned in a hammock for long periods of time?

Why does a child who plays quietly with her blocks the entire morning at home, suddenly yell, "I have to do a big POOP," the very second you go out in public.

Why would anybody take a toddler to the grocery store?

If they can make a car seat that turns into a highchair and a crib, why can’t they make a baby monitor that turns into a CD player and a cordless phone?

How in the heck did a pacifier ever become a "binky"?

Is it cheating if you make up stuff in your child’s baby book?

Why do kids put mayonnaise in electric appliances and eat toothpaste?

Are kids born intrinsically knowing the rules of "jinx" and the law of "givesies and backsies"?

And the one thing I really want to know: why is a baby’s first word always "dada" when you’re the one who’s given up caffeine and junk food for nine months?

Debbie Farmer is a humorist and mother holding down the fort in California. Readers can reach Debbie at [email protected], or at Debbie Farmer, c/o Oasis Newsfeatures, P.O. Box 2144, Middletown, Ohio, 45042.