Budget balancing…and other lost arts

by Jack Stapleton, Jr.

It seems only yesterday that Jefferson City was swimming in cash, ready to throw a tax dollar in almost any direction for projects that ranged as far afield as redecorating the august chambers of our hard-working state Senate to hiring 300 unknown “executives” in the central office of our state mental health agency.

Oh, those were the days when seldom was heard a conservative word about dispensing the taxpayers’ money. Bill Clinton had given America the most prosperous era in its history. Jefferson City was awash with so much money that no one seemed to care whether our public officials were spilling more money than previous representatives of the people could even dispense.

To top it off, when we inaugurated our last governor, he threw a welcome-to-me party the likes of which Jefferson City had not seen since a member of the Busch family last visited the state capital. But after Bill and Hillary left the White House (or at last count, most of it) we’ve fallen on hard times what with the not-surprising misfortune of dot-com millionaires and the appearance of the Muslims’ all-star wrecking crews, leaving us with “misunderestimated” George W. and his team of Texas Turkeys. What a horrible fate for aspiring national leaders. After raising millions and millions of dollars, they are now faced with poverty and barely enough money to buy the next election.

Well, as Saint Thomas Aquinas said what seemed like only yesterday, “Not even God can make 2 and 2 equal 5.” So here we are, stuck in the heart of the nation’s tornado belt, still drying off from all that rain we weren’t supposed to get because of the Earth’s rising temperatures. You can’t imagine a more desperate situation unless you’ve ever had to spend a Sunday night in Jefferson City.

Clearly what Missouri needs is an idea man, someone who can turn a disaster into a golden swan capable of refunding the state treasury with oodles and oodles of cash. What we need, in other words, is a con man, someone conversant with the fine art of accumulating an obscene amount of money with virtually nothing to back it up. And have I got a money man for you! His name is chiseled in marble on a building on the campus of our state university, plus his name is legend along Wall Street and he has a track record you wouldn’t believe. Let’s name our former Missourian, Kenneth Lay, as our new Director of Revenue, and he’ll soon have the state rich, just as he did for investors in his world-famous company: Enron.

In the event Ken has lost his enthusiasm for his old home state, perhaps our wealth-recruiters could swing out to New York. That’s where the American Red Cross has been raising millions of dollars for the families of the Twin Towers victims, not to mention million-dollar salaries for the organization’s officers. That’s combining the art of helping the unfortunate with the trick of rewarding the fortunate.

The Red Cross has earned a deserved reputation for helping those most in need while giving a hand to the undeserving as well. Anyone who served in World War II can still remember the benevolence of the little ladies in red and white caps who charged servicemen such items as cigarettes and coffee with only a minimum amount of overhead figured in. It was a good thing I was lying down when these pleasant little ladies came walking through a recovery ward of the Naval hospital at Great Lakes and actually presented a few of us with a free pack of Lucky Strikes. With experience like that, these noble volunteers would not only put Missouri back in the profit column, there would be enough left over to pay for another Bob Holden inaugural ball.

As a last resort, the state could appeal to the better instincts of its politicians who will be running for office this year. We could promise them immunity from an attorney general’s suit in exchange for 10% of their campaign contributions — which would not only fund all of Missouri’s 16 departments but would pave the state’s highways from Tarkio to Kennett and from Kirksvile to Neosho. We might even be able to throw in a new stadium for our poor, unfortunate Cardinal owners who are down to their last four billion.

Let’s never forget that a successful government is one that collects more taxes than its politicians can spent.

[Missouri News & Editorial Service, Inc. Copyright (C) 2002 MNES Corp.]