by Jack Stapleton, Jr
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by Jack Stapleton, Jr.
You are now entering Missouri — Speed limit: Forget it – You can’t drive fast on our decaying highways and bridges.
Missourians have been struggling since the early days of the 1990s — during five consecutive biennial sessions of their General Assembly and three gubernatorial administrations, not to mention countless members of our state highway commission — to discover some way of financing a badly needed highway improvement program. The goal was breathlessly announced during the declining years of our incumbent President’s father, George Herbert Walker Bush.
This extended wait for long awaited highway and bridge construction would seem to point to a great deal of patience on the part of 5.5 million citizens. Actually, it probably points up the lack of a sound system of paying for a 15-year program that has already passed through one-third of its allotted time period. Superb patience or laconic financiers?
I’ve come up with countless methods for raising cash for highways, methods that ranged from statewide quilting bees to Mafia-run toll booths on the interstates. But none seemed feasible the morning after. So, I did what any harebrained person would do. I asked myself a question: What are civic leaders doing to raise money for their projects, which range from building new streets to constructing more stadiums and ballparks?
Of course, the answer was right there in front of me. All we have to do is find corporate sponsors for various lengths of highway construction, and before you can start your engine, we’ll have the 15-year road plan built in the next 50 years. It’s a perfect solution, using the ad dollars of the state’s biggest corporations and commercial enterprises, and, friend, we’ll be rid of road sinkholes in a decade or two.
I became so excited, I even compiled a list of potential corporate prospects, together with the slogans we can place on signs along their very own route. I won’t keep you in suspense because I know you’re dying to see how my plan will work. Try to contain your enthusiasm until I’ve finished.
One of the largest businesses in the state, Hallmark, is a good place to start, and I can see the sign now:
“Hallmark Highway”
“When you care enough to travel the very best!”
And, of course, we mustn’t forget the world’s largest brewery which quenched the thirst of Americans during Prohibition:
“Budweiser Boulevard”
“This highway was brewed for you!”
And what highway wouldn’t be happy to be associated with the world’s largest business? The state will get billions for this sponsorship:
“Wal-Mart Walkway”
“We sell everything — > even stuff that hasn’t been invented yet!”
How about this one for a St. Joseph company:
“Stetson Speedway”
“Even if you’re really not a cowboy, you can look like one.”
We should give a little credit to the city that developed this plan of corporate sponsors, so how about:
“St. Louis Street”
“Caution: Watch for crossing stadium-beggars!”
We could even expand this and sell naming rights to chambers of commerce around Missouri, like:
“Branson Boulevard”
“All roads lead to Branson if you like that kind of thing!”
“Tiger Trailway”
“Our university has more stadiums than libraries!”
Nor should we ignore our laboring legislators and politicians in Jefferson City:
“Capitol Corridor”
“Reduce speed ahead politicians pretending to work!”
See how easy it is when you put your mind to it?
[Missouri News & Editorial Service, Inc. Copyright (C) 2002 MNES Corp.]