Coonridge Digest: Just sloppy, I guess

Greetin’s from the Ridge.

I think God is gettin’ sloppy.

Used to be, He did big things in big ways and they all made sense, came out fine, and the world shouted Hallelujah! But somethin’s happened lately that makes me wonder if the old Boy’s lost His touch.

Michael Jackson recently revealed in a web chat talkin’ about his new album Invincible that he was, "so proud and honored to be chosen from Heaven to be invincible . . . It’s like songs have been written already in their entirety before you were even born." Heavenly Michael went on to say that it’s "all really the work of God." Trouble is, it’s a lousy album. Where did God go wrong? Okay, I’ll admit that with wars and rumors of wars on his daily planner, God might have forgot to keep up on the latest trends in bubble gum bopper music but I’ve heard some of the Invincible music. Either Michael is deluded or God has started to slip.

Televangelists Paul and Jan Crouch of the PTL network were recently called by God to buy a $5 million mansion at Newport Beach. The place is advertised as havin’ "ocean and city views." I can see their point. I mean, for $5 million I’d want to see both directions. Jan (the one with the stock in Max Factor) said that God had provided them with this mini-Disneyland because they needed a larger front yard for their dogs.

Although the Bible makes a pretty good case for God bein’ interested in mansions and scenic views, I was of the silly notion that this was all to take place on the other side of eternity and not in Newport Beach. Accordin’ to UNICEF, 12 million children under the age of five will starve to death of malnutrition this year. I can’t believe that the Almighty would forget the command that His son gave to sell all you have and give to the poor. I guess nobody had told Christ about the terrible plight of Paul and Jan’s dogs. I’ve made a mental note to step up my pledges to the PTL network. Maybe if they get enough overflow cash they can spend a nickel on bread for the poor and help the Lord get His mind back on the original track.

And although I guess I’m not surprised, it came as a shock to hear that God was so interested in sports. Oxford University had to evict a band of gypsies in order to build their new Kassam Stadium for soccer games.

The gypsies had reportedly put a curse on the ground before they left and since then, Oxford United lost 13 of 17 games. The Bishop of Oxford received a call from God to go out and bless the stadium to improve the club’s fortunes. He held a small ceremony and anointed the place, goal posts and all. I guess he forgot to bless the scoreboard.

Now I’ve always wondered about the poor athletic teams who don’t call upon the Almighty for victory. Do their busses crash enroute or are they just afflicted with jock itch, one of the deadly plagues that the Bible sort of soft peddles? And then you’ve got the agonizin’ situation of both teams praying for victory. I guess that’s why they invented all the tiebreaker rules. Whether it’s demon-possessed gypsies or heathen high schools, God has gotten sloppy.

And just when I think maybe the Lord needs a good vacation from all this pressure, I read where He’s actually takin’ one. The June 2002 Christian Sports Fantasy Cruise (figure that one out) features such greats as Kyle Rote, Jr., the NBA’s Bobby Jones, and JC Anderson. God is promised to be in attendance on the world’s largest cruise ship with prices startin’ at $1999. The brochure doesn’t say exactly on which floor God has taken his room but if they have an Invincible Deck I suspect you’ll find Him hangin’ around there, along with Robyn Rodgers, one of the only three women in the United States who can spin up to 10 basketballs simultaneously.

I guess I shouldn’t be so hard on the old fella. Even his competition is startin’ to slip. Mary Palmeiri of Enfield, Connecticut, hired a group of pagan Wiccans to get rid of her troubles. In a ritual designed to "cleanse" her, they wrote all her problems on a piece of paper and burnt it. In the process, Palmeiri’s bedroom was gutted and the house suffered extensive smoke and water damage. She says she’ll take her problems to the pastor next time. I don’t know, Mary. If he gets a sign from God you might lose the garage, too.

Seems like we always get it backwards when we figure out what we want then ask God to bless it. I mean, if He’s payin’ the bill shouldn’t He also give the direction? I’ve got a banker friend who says that whenever someone comes in to get a loan because they’ve been given a "sign from God," he asks how God could have forgotten the collateral. Just sloppy I guess.

You ever in Coonridge, stop by. We may not answer the door, but you’ll enjoy the trip.