Coonridge Digest: Murdock’s counting on you

Greetin’s from the Ridge.

This phone call was my only New Year’s resolution. I’ve long since abandoned any hope of keepin’ resolutions on self-improvement, and instead have cruised out into the much more enjoyable world of improvin’ others.

"This is Murdock."

"I can’t believe this! This is THE Clifford Murdock?" "Speaking. Could you make it quick? I’ve got meetings all day and… The Clifford Murdock who’s head of Murdock Multi-Media, the biggest producer of TV and movies in the known universe? I figured I’d be shuffled from peon to peon for forty days and nights then end up with one of your under-secretaries."

"M’am, once a year I take a call from one of the little people of the world and by a wicked twist of the fates, I’m talking to you. But please make it snappy. I’m a busy man."

"Well Clifford, it ain’t exactly like I’m sittin’ around all day waitin’ for a call from you. Look, I’ll talk fast and you listen fast, okay?"

"Okay."

"I want to talk to you about your TV programming and the movies you make."

"It’s pure demographics and economics, my dear. We only produce what sells."

"Yea, yea, I know. You’ve used that excuse for years. I want to talk about the way you handle the issues of faith. I would have lived my life in peace and swallowed all the bull hockey you’ve shoved down our throats if it weren’t for September 11th. We’ve got a new world out here now, Clifford. Faith has always been the drivin’ force in millions of folks lives and you’ve stereotyped us as Homer Simpson’s nutty Christian neighbor and a generic do-gooder with hocus pocus powers in Touched by an Angel. There’s more to it than that, Cliff." "I’m sorry. I was checking the overnight numbers of professional wrestling. You say you don’t like the way we portray people of faith?" "If you could pull yourself away from those greased steroid suckers for just a minute…"

"Sorry. Look Mrs…uh…"

"Crump. Freida Marie Crump. Coonridge mainly but I get around." "I’m sure. Look Mrs. Crump, faith just makes poor story lines. They all have the same plot. I was lost, God rescued me, now I’m a better person, etc. etc. etc. Let’s face it, the life of faith is rather….well…tedious."

"Hope? Hope is tedious? Redemption? Peace?" "Yes. Sorry, but peace is tedious. It’s sweet and a nicer world in which to raise children, but it’s boring." "Cliff, have you ever read some of those Old Testament stories? Floods, famine, holocausts of every sort…"

"Mrs. Crump…"

"Plagues, hundreds killed with the jaw bone of an ass, fish swallowin’ men…"

"Mrs. Crump, those are not stories of faith. They were all caused by a lack of faith."

"Heck, you solve that problem all the time! At the forty-five minute mark the good guys start to win."

"Mrs. Crump, I’m nearly out of time. We’re developing a new show this morning about an anti-terrorism squad made up entirely of mutants who roam the world in search of radical militant groups intent on destroying the entire industrialized world."

"I wondered what you’d do when Mr. Rogers retired." "Look Mrs. Crump, the problem with you…uh… I suppose you are a Christian by the narrow-mindedness of your comments?"

"That’s me. Wide minds sound good but they never come up with an answer."

"The problem with you Christians is your provincial belief that God has the answer to everything. I mean really, where’s the drama in that? Where’s the suspense? The conflict? Believe me, I’m not out to promote a particular belief, just provide exciting viewing." "And there’s nothing exciting about faith?"

"May I get personal? My dear mother was a lady much like you, I expect."

"Then I’m glad we’re not on a picture phone." "She prayed constantly. She gave thanks for the simplest things, she loved everyone, and everyone loved her. In short, she was a saint. And she would have made a lousy movie."

"So that’s your answer? We enter the year 2002 with an unrealistic portrayal of truth?"

"Sorry. It’s my job to make money."

"And us? The prayin’ people of the world?" "It’s your job to save the world. Don’t tell anyone I said this, but I’m relying on you."

You ever in Coonridge, stop by. We may not answer the door, but you’ll enjoy the trip.