Letters Santa never finished reading

by Jack Stapleton, Jr.

Dear Santa:

A few of my friends at school have become critical of some new rules I have laid down as the Acting General of Student Behavior. I was chosen for this high honor by our Principal who said he needed a conscientious student who could maintain law and order, a goal he deemed particularly relevant in the light of several acts of vandalism by “outside hooligans” who pose a threat to our way of learning. Some of my new rules may be stringent but I consider them essential to maintain law and order, even if it means having to hold violators for hours, maybe days, after class. For Christmas I would like Al Gore’s new book, “The Art of Winning But Losing,” to further my research on preserving law and order in a godless society. Yours for the American way.

Johnny Ashcraft

Dear Santa:

Maybe you remember all the years I asked you to give me the gift I really cared about: Hallway Governor at my school. Well, I’m sorry to say, you delivered right on schedule several months ago and since the day I was installed at our student assembly, just about everything bad has happened, thwarting all my plans. The school district is running out of money, keeping me from installing several new programs I promised to accomplish and it seems I’m losing friends every day. Just recently the school newspaper claimed I had treated my friends to record-cost treats at the drive-in, agreed to let everyone vote on joining the student union, and eliminated many of the eraser-cleaning jobs that used to keep students our of the pool hall. My plans to improve test scores, improve the paths in the school yard and unite the kids from the city with those from the country have all turned sour. I would like a copy of Al Gore’s book, “How to Be a Winner” for Christmas. Please be sure it’s delivered in a plain wrapper.

Bobby Holding

Dear Santa:

Three of us big sports got together several years ago and took over our neighborhood baseball team, the Archway Sparrows, realizing our boyhood dream of running a famous organization that had once included Sam Musical, Ditzy Dean and Collateral Slaughter. Things went along swimmingly for a few years and then we really hit big time when we signed the Home ‘Roid King himself. Fans flocked to Sparrow Stadium like the starling in Ladue and we were making so much money we didn’t notice that we were going to lose it all if we didn’t spend more money to keep the money we already have. Please send our corporate business manager Al Gore’s new book, “How to Make Money While Losing It by Involving Outsiders Who Have No Interest in Baseball.” Please deliver it in plain wrapper. We’ll be glad to spring for a bleacher ticket anytime you’re in town; all you will have to pay is the tax.

Archway Sparrow Owners

Dear Santa:

All I really want for Christmas is a little peace and quiet before the next session of the Show-Me General Assembly, a group of men and women who seem intent on making life miserable for someone who has inherited a mess of pottage and a pile of broken concrete, known as the Show- Me Department of Transportation, although we’re not involved in providing transportation for anyone, just the lanes and bypasses we sometimes laughingly refer to as superhighways. I’m a retired military officer, leaving the service with high honors and high hopes of pursuing a similar career in civilian life, hopefully in a job that was both enjoyable and productive. Thus far my new career has been neither. It all started 10 years ago when someone happened to notice that Show- Me roads were deteriorating at a rate of destruction that was obvious even to daily commuters as more and more of whom were experiencing car-repair bills that exceeded what the state pays to educate its children. No one in this state seems to have noticed that it takes money to build roads that are actually made of concrete, and since this requires some money, none of the three governors of Show-Me and none of the 10 legislatures seemed able to grasp this concept. In the meantime we have built football stadiums, saved symphonies and improved the state fair. I would appreciate receiving this Christmas Al Gore’s new book entitled, “How to Find a Better Job in a Society That Worships the Dollar but Doesn’t Seem Prone to Spend It.” I would appreciate it very much if you or your assistant engineer would leave this gift by my front tree in a plain wrapper.

Hank Hungerfeeler

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