Missouriana

Quips by Jack Stapleton Jr.

* The world is grateful northern Alliance troops didn’t have to drive over Missouri’s highways to arrive in Kabul or they would still be stranded in the upper part of the country.

* Is anyone really certain that Osama bin Laden is a bona fide Muslim terrorist and not a hard-headed, diehard staff member from the Gore campaign?

* That diamond New York community known as Queens has been clubbed lately with sneaky grand slams from would-be kings, requiring stout hearts and multiple spades to clear the deck.

* Since 90% of all luggage on commercial air flights is still not inspected, the only way air terrorism can be contained is to limit carry-on items to a roll of Tums.

* Red Cross officials have destroyed tens of thousands of pints of blood, donated after September 11, reminding World War II vets of paying retail prices for “free” R-C cigarettes.

* Missourians hate to see Big Mac hang up his bat and glove since these days the Cardinal all-star is the only class act in St. Louis.

* Afghanistan’s map is different each time it’s viewed, indicating Bin Laden is taking cities with him when he moves.