Family Daze: Thanksgiving Dinner Tips

Face it, when it comes to Thanksgiving dinner there are two different types of people: those who enjoy spending all day in the kitchen cooking free range turkey and homemade pumpkin pie and those who prefer eating it. Let me just say I’m in the latter category.

That said, you can understand why I think any holiday that forces people all over the country into the kitchen with nothing but a raw turkey and a few boxes of croutons and expects them to appear a few hours later with an edible dinner for twenty is just plain, well, wrong.

So this year I’ve collected a few of my best holiday tips to help the culinary impaired get through Thanksgiving.

The Domestic Goddess Way:

Make a nature basket centerpiece by placing pine cones, acorns, and dried flowers in a basket intermingled with clear Christmas lights. Add a festive bow.

My way:

Find an empty two-liter container. Fill it with dirt from the sandbox then take the plastic sunflower on a wire from the back yard and stick it through the top.

Domestic Goddess:

Make your own potpourri by combining the following household items: Cinnamon sticks, lemon slices, orange slices, vanilla beans, cloves. Add water and simmer.

My way:

Make a festive potpourri by combining one part Pinesol with three parts talcum power. Add two caps of bleach water and stir.

Domestic Goddess way:

Season the outside of the turkey with salt, Bell’s seasoning, or other favorite herbs and spices from your garden.

My way:

Open a can of Cream of Mushroom soup. Pour over turkey.

Domestic Goddess way:

Securely truss the turkey before roasting.

My way:

Toss the turkey into the pan with both wings splayed at jaunty angles, as if it’s waving.

Domestic Goddess:

Calculate the exact cooking time by multiplying the weight of turkey by 20 minutes. Your turkey is done when the thermometer reads more than 165 degrees.

My way:

Calculate the cooking time by dividing the weight of the turkey by the sum of your guests and dividing by, say, the circumference of Rhode Island.

Better yet save time and take a wild guess. Your turkey is done when the smoke detector goes off in the kitchen.

Domestic Goddess:

Make gravy by chopping the turkey neck bones and brown them in oil until golden brown. Add water or chicken stock, a medium sized onion, and giblets.

Then heat 1 cup of white wine or a pint of Guinness. Pour it over the turkey. Repeat as needed.

My way:

Forget about the gravy. Hey, no one really likes it anyway. Instead pour yourself a pint of white wine or a cup of Guinness. Make a toast over the turkey. Repeat as needed.

Domestic Goddess:

Set the table with napkin and forks on the left of the plate and spoons and knife on the far right. Put out only utensils that will be used. Adjust to fit your menu.

My way:

Toss the boxes of plastic forks somewhere towards the middle of the table so that everyone can reach.

Domestic Goddess:

When carving the turkey, remove the first breast by cutting the turkey along the crest of the breast from the neck to the tail. Gently separate the breast from the ribcage. Repeat on the other breast.

My way:

Grab a drumstick and pull. If that doesn’t work, pull harder. Then cut the entire turkey lengthwise along the grain with the sharp pinking shears.

Domestic Goddess:

Use leftover wine to make extra gravy.

My way:

Use leftover wine to make extra toasts.

Domestic Goddess: Relax and be thankful for everything you’ve been blessed with: friends, family, and the wonderful meal you’re sharing together.

My way: Relax and be thankful for everything you’ve been blessed with: instant stuffing mix, the number of a Chinese food take-out place, and 364 days to recuperate.