Open your eyes to instances of domestic violence

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month

October is the time that we harvest and make ready for a snowy slumber. It is the time to pack the pantry and prepare for the pending winter. The weather is shifting to the cooler. The leaves are turning and falling to the ground. The corn is nearly all cut and put away. The beans are staying with tradition and tempting Mother Nature to thwart their glean. We have already seen a blanket of frost on the Halloween pumpkin. The high school pigskin has four more coin flips left in its season. All is good in Ruralville.

But there is more looming in the autumn of Ruralville. For fall is also the season, the occasion, that we ask others to open their eyes. As the disaster in New York, there is a crisis that even Ruralville is not immune toor safe from. And like the 9/11 catastrophe, we must rally as communities to create an awareness and intolerance for the imminent calamity that hangs over Ruralville. It is only through facilitating learning, and empowerment of those that suffer this affliction, that we can truly call Ruralville God’s country.

The crisis of which I speak has consequences that range from financial depression and mental disorders, to debilitating physical trauma. The road to recovery is long. It requires the collaboration of gender, generation, race, religion, family, and community. Thank God that Ruralville has these resources.

The plague I am trying to expose is domestic violence. Yes, domestic violence. It is here. It is in your neighborhood, in your community, in your church, in your county.

The signs are everywhere. In the check out line at the grocery store, we see the badge of victimization worn by many women. In your congregation at church, the seat next to yours may be filled with someone reaching for help. At last winter’s Christmas program, she’s the mother that cannot attend because of her newly awarded symbol of abuse. And most importantly, he or she is the child in your classroom that is yearning for a good night’s sleep, or is afraid to go home. All the whispers for help are there.

The emblems of abuse are often visible. Sometimes it appears on the bridge of a nose, under an eye, or in the form of a hand on a forearm. They are often seen, often heard, and often felt. But seldom do we choose to get involved. We do not want to embarrass a friend, neighbor, or fellow parishioner. It is seldom acknowledged, and nearly never discussed. Though its affects are far-reaching. It is prominent in the minds of some, visible through the eyes of many.

Domestic violence is a pattern of offensive and coercive behaviors, including physical, sexual, and psychological confrontations, that adults or adolescents use against their intimate partners. These behaviors surface in intimate relationships where the batterer and victim are currently or have been previously dating, cohabiting, married, or divorced. They may have children in common, or they may not. The relationships may be long or short in duration.

Domestic violence is a premeditated and involved behavior for the batterer. The batterer’s pattern of abusive acts is directed at achieving conformity from or control over the victim. It is directed at encompassing every aspect of the life of the victim so that independent thought and action are curtailed and so that the victim will become faithful to fulfilling the requests and provisions of the batterer. The pattern is not impulsive or “out of control.” Tactics that work to control the victim are selectively chosen by the batterer.

Violence is not caused by illness, genetics, stress, anger, or alcohol and drugs. It is a learned behavior. It is learned through observation, experience, culture, school, peer groups, and family. It is the act of an insecure, dependent, and jealous person that has more often than not witnessed abuse as a child or was abused as a child.

A batterer believes he is entitled to control his partners money, friends, family, and all that is close to her. This is perhaps what makes Ruralville so attractive to the batterer, the ease with which he can isolate his partner from peers, family, and communication and remain obscure to law enforcement.

Victims soon become dependent on the batterer because of the seclusion, financial reliance, and emotional abuse. They begin to feel responsible for the abuse. The victim’s maternal instincts tell them they can resolve what ails the batterer.

Eventually, she realizes that she cannot find the motive for his violence. She believes that now, if she can endure it long enough, he will change on his own. But finally, she resolves herself to the fact that there is nothing that she can do to change him. She is embarrassed because she hasn’t left or said anything before. No one has recognized her plight up to this point. What can anyone do to help, she asks herself. She has resigned herself to ride the perpetual cycle of abuse.

Is all really that good in Ruralville?

It is not a “marital conflict,” “a lovers’ spat,” or “a private family matter.” Domestic violence does not exist in a vacuum that affects only two consenting adults. The dynamics of domestic violence involve a strife for power and control. This conflict leaves no member of the household untouched.

And that is the true tragedy of this plague, the continuous cycle. Through exposure in the home, community, or through peers, children learn to portray their inevitable role as victim or abuser.

This is an issue along which gender lines are often divided. Yes, there are men who have suffered abuse. But let’s face it fellows, we do most of the harm. It is only through a great resolve between genders, races, communities, churches, and counties, that this cycle can be broken.

There is help out there. For women, there are support groups, counselors, and advocates that can discuss options and alternatives to your current situation. There are people out there that care and can help you regain a healthy lifestyle.

For men, you have to admit there is a problem to get help. There are support groups that can help you recognize your triggers. I believe that it is possible for change.

One year has come to pass since I became involved in the victim movement. I am often asked what the worst time of year is for abuse. There’s no one answer. It was here yesterday, it’s still here today, and I am confident that it will still be here tomorrow. There is nothing truly seasonal about it. But now is the season that we ask everyone to take a moment and reflect the seriousness of this plague

I will be back in April, if not sooner. You know, April, when the grass turns green and begins to grow again. The days become longer. The sunshine is warm on your face and nature is coming alive. All is good in Ruralville.

But there is more looming in the spring of Ruralville…

Submitted by Rick Ross, Victim Advocate for the Caldwell County Victims Services Program. For more information or assistance, please contact:

Caldwell County Victim Services Program Caldwell County Courthouse 816-586-2142 [email protected]