Osama at the Pearly Gates

by Jack Stapleton, Jr.

St. Peter: “Who approaches the Pearly Gates and seeks entry to the Great Kingdom?”

Osama bin Laden: “It is I, Allah, the greatest leader of the world’s freedom fighters, the Mighty and Invincible Osama bin Laden, leader of men, defender of the faith of Allah the Almighty.”

St. Peter: “Let’s see, where did I put that list? Oh, here it is. Bin Laden, you say, are you the one who caused all the ruckus on Sept. 11, 2001, when your followers bombed and killed thousands of innocent citizens in New York City and Washington, D.C., USA?”

Osama: “I’m the one! Exciting, isn’t it? My record speaks for itself and has anyone ever arrived at the Pearly Gates with a better record? Tell me true now.”

St. Peter: “Well, it does seem to be something of a record in killing innocent people, but that’s really not what we’re going for in Heaven these days. Times have changed, for the better, I might add, and I’ll admit we might have been tempted to grant entry to barbarians such as you in the time of Alexander the Great, and Genghis Khan and Julius Caesar, but those were quickly dispatched to another level, where the climate was considerably warmer than up here. Tell me, bin Laden, what did you accomplish while on that small planet named Earth that my Boss is so fond of besides killing record numbers of innocent men and women? What else did you do in your earthly state?”

Osama: “Well, I threatened the Mighty Satan with such dreaded viruses as anthrax, poison gas, bombs, poisoned water supplies, foul air and B.O., just to name a few of the nasty despicable tricks I had up my sleeve.”

St. Peter: “Did you carry out any of those threats on Earth?”

Osama: “Well, let’s put it this way, I fully intended to damage more of the Mighty Satan’s battleships, just as I did on the U.S.S. Cole, but I had to change my residency rather quickly when the Mighty Satan started to retaliate, so I didn’t have time to really accomplish all that I wanted to do.”

St. Peter: “And what did you really want to accomplish with all of your killing?”

Osama: “To make the world safe for terrorists who have no sense of decency, no moral scruples and who will kill anyone on command. Can you imagine a finer group of fanatics anywhere?”

St. Peter: “Well, I’ll have to admit, you did surround yourself with some remarkably mangy inhuman beings, but tell me, did any of them ever question your wisdom, your desire to create havoc among democratic civilizations?”

Osama: “Oh, never. They were loyal to the death, which is where most of them went, to that Great Tent in the Sky.”

St. Peter: “Would you mind terribly giving me their names so that I might prepare a list for my use in the weeks and months ahead?”

Osama: “Glad to help out, Allah. I treasured these men, particularly when I called them to duty and they performed their duties so well they actually blew themselves up. You can understand why I loved and admired them so much, can’t you? Where else can you find dedicated crazed fanatics willing to die for a great cause?”

St. Peter: “Well, for starters, Osama, I’m not Allah. I’m simply one of His dedicated followers, one who subscribes to His beliefs because they are the words of God. And His words, Osama, don’t resemble yours in the least. He asks His followers to love their enemies, not kill them in horrible attacks while they are going about their daily lives. My Boss believes in the sanctity of all souls, men and women alike, and He doesn’t discriminate between the two sexes nor does He snuggest that some souls are inferior to others. I guess you wouldn’t know much about that either.”

Osama: “Haven’t we talked enough? When do you intend to let me in?”

St. Peter: “I think the proper answer would be ‘till hell freezes over.’ And when it does, let me know, won’t you? In the meantime, watch out for all that anthrax down there!”

[Missouri News & Editorial Service, Inc. Copyright (C) 2001 MNES Corp.]