A Letter to Osama

Mr. Osama bin Laden

Rural Route No. 666

Somewhere Afghanistan 10001

To Mr. bin Laden:

I’ve seen a lot of dumb tricks pulled in my time, but for sheer stupidity, you’ve just won the jackpot. Oh, I’ve read what you’ve been saying in recent months, but you know the old saying, “sticks and stones…” and, besides, America has been called a lot worse than the ones you’ve babbled about. I remember a fellow named Adolf Hitler, you would have liked him, and he spent years insulting — and underestimating — us poor Americans until we got a little sick of it and drove him to suicide. (In case you aren’t familiar with the techniques of self-destruction, I’ve enclosed a few pamphlets that might help you along. After all what are enemies for?)

Osama, old boy, you could have closed your eyes and found an easier enemy than America. As a matter of fact, you couldn’t have chosen a more dangerous one, which says a great deal about your smarts, or rather the lack of them. Someone who must have come from the same neighborhood as yours, a guy by the name of Horohito, also was pretty steamed at us and tried to blow our whole eastern Naval fleet to bits one Sunday morning nearly 61 years ago. I don’t know if you’re up to speed on your history lessons, but in case you aren’t, the guy also left this world a better place rather than face the consequences of dealing with Uncle Sam’s nephews.

The problem with fanatics like you is that you never take time to study the circumstances that brought our country about, and to provide you with a little more history, our early forefathers crossed a wide ocean to seek freedom in a new land, an act that a fellow named George the Third decided was too radical to suit his less tolerant views, so he sent his troops across the same ocean to destroy our kinfolks. We don’t take kindly to those who take the trouble to cross a big ocean just to see our relatives die, which is what you did, Osama, a few days ago. My, you should see the mess your crazed errand boys left behind, with not a word about helping clean it up.

So we Americans have taken a vote and we think it’s only fair to warn you: we don’t like visitors who litter our beautiful country, and except for a few hesitant souls among us, we’re pretty miffed. You see, we like to keep our country free of trash, and frankly, Osama, you’re trash. We throw litterbugs, particularly those who ignore our anti-littering rules, into the slammer until they learn better. The truth is, Osama old boy, we really are a peaceful people, for our country was founded on principles you wouldn’t know much about: freedom, tolerance, democracy, respect, majority rule, courts of law, free religious choice and respect for minorities. You should find it downright embarrassing when you start talking about these qualities after leaving more than 6,000 of our fellow citizens dead after you dispatched a few members of your tribe along for their joyride to hell. Pity you didn’t have the courage to accompany them.

To illustrate the vast difference between us and people like you, our government is sending millions of dollars of food and medical supplies to relieve the suffering of some of the same people who have been hiding you and your gang of thugs these past several years. We haven’t seen any such packages for our victims, and to be perfectly frank, we don’t expect any.

You probably haven’t given it much thought, Osama, but you’re giving good decent Muslims, Arabs, and Saudis a bad name…and they don’t deserve it. Most are good, decent citizens who came across the ocean to escape the likes of you.

So, old boy, we’re getting ready to deal with you and your fanatics. One parting word of advice, Osama: DUCK!

by Jack Stapleton Jr. [Missouri News & Editorial Service, Inc. Copyright (C) 2001 MNES Corp.]