The subtle genius of Dubya

by Jack Stapleton, Jr.

Oh, I know, you’ve been listening to that partisan prattle of the Democrats who claim our new president is dumb. It seems we have arrived at this conclusion with considerable help from such suspect non-partisans as former Texas governor Ann Richards, Clinton advisor James Carville and the likes of Jay Leno and David Letterman. I have no evidence to back this up, but I suspect our president’s I.Q. is higher than any of this group (with the possible exception of Ms. Richards, who can’t be all that bright since she lost a gubernatorial election to her favorite target now residing in the White House.)

I may be suspicious, but I somehow suspect that this Dumb Dubya act of the president is nothing more than a diabolical Republican scheme to make him seem like the guy who lives next door. We really like our neighbors, particularly those who display their humanity by playing T-Ball with the kids in the neighborhood and freely admit they feel compassion for that poor family down the block who lost their home in a fire. How can you not love a guy who admits he’s an old softy, just a plain, ordinary, garden-variety Comedic Centrist. This is a much better self-description than Compassionate Conservative, a term which holds the possibility of allowing political opponents to refute your claim.

The sheer genius of this is unmistakable. Every four years Americans hear a new or reelected president promise them the moon, the stars and the Milky Way at his inauguration. It has also become mandatory that new Oval Office occupants promise the public the grandeur of every civilization that has existed since the time of man. Remember Jimmy Carter? He promised he’d never lie to us, and after a few months of Plain(s) bungling, we were hoping he would. There was Dubya’s dad who kept wanting us to look at his lips, but far too many weren’t that adept at lip- reading. And there was Bill from Hope who told us he was about to deliver a “new age” in America, which turned out to be the appearance of 18-year-old interns at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. I guess he meant under-age.

In his role as Comedic Centrist, our president even poked fun at himself while getting an honorary degree at his old alma mater, noting that being a C student at Yale wasn’t an automatic roadblock to becoming president. Such a canny observation raised hope in the minds of millions of American parents who were just looking for reassurance after their kids flunked algebra or gym.

Democrats may believe that the Bush twins will prove a political embarrassment to their father, a ridiculous bit of logic which helps explain why they nominated Al Gore. Mothers and fathers across America are being embarrassed by their kids every minute, every hour, every day of the year. Some are humiliated by the fact their kid was pulled over for speeding or their heirs were busted for pocketing a trinket at a supermarket. This is what distinguishes parents from those who go through life without a single worry distracting them. Every parent who has been embarrassed, humiliated or disgraced by their kids will relate to Dubya and I guarantee will vote for him at the next opportunity.

Democrats would be wise, which they seldom are, to avoid harping too much on the president’s alleged faults, which he has generously shared with the American public. After all, how many voters do you know who can spell the word “indubiously,” much less pronounce it?

[Missouri News & Editorial Service, Inc. Copyright (C) 2001 MNES Corp.]