Coonridge Digest: Church-state separation … just common sense

Greetin’s from the Ridge.

Herb says I’m a gadfly. Claims I buzz around the manure pile of politics for no other reason than to stir up a stink. I tell him I’m being public-spirited. This is the point at which he usually sighs and goes out for coffee. There bein’ no other sympathetic ears on the porch this mornin’, I’ll talk to you.

President Bush has got me worried. At a speech in South Bend last week he said we oughta wean the job of helpin’ the poor away from government and put it into private hands. He calls it his "faith-based initiative." Here’s the deal: the Prez’s plan would let churches, synagogues, and mosques compete for billions of dollars in federal money to provide social services to the poor. Some of these programs might include help to the homeless for aid to pregnant teens.

Who could argue with such a plan? We’ve seen what a tangled mess the feds can get themselves into when put in charge of welfare programs.

What could be better than shippin’ a little of the cash down to the Coonridge First Semi-Congregational church and let a few saner heads be in charge of the kitty?

Honey, there’s plenty wrong. And I ain’t talkin’ church-state separation here, just good old common sense.

They say that in Europe, the shortest amount of measurable time is the milliseconds between when a Parisian traffic light turns green and the taxi behind you starts honkin’. In the U.S., the shortest time span ever measured comes right after the government doles out money and just before they start regulatin’ the local institution to smithereens.

There is no way on God’s Green Earth that the federal government is gonna start lettin’ religious institutions ladle out the social welfare without them stickin’ their nose into every nook and cranny of our faith.

From the Department of Health and Safety: As of July 1, 2001, each communion wafer must be sealed in an airtight wrapping measuring no smaller than 9.4 X 7.35 cm. Said wafer must be equipped with a child-resistant safety opener and will be subject to quarterly inspection by the DHS. Wafers must be stamped with an expiration date, location of manufacturer, and inscription properly displayed reading: "Do not remove under penalty of purgatory." From OSHA: All kneeling rails must be handicap accessible, fireproof, and in every other way compliant with current OSHA standards. Rails may not be less than 3 feet 1 inch in height and must have one space reserved for handicap assistive devices for every four able-bodied sinners. A ratio of one to seven must be used for reserved spaces labeled "Mothers with Children," and a one to fourteen ratio is standard for "Habitual Backsliders."

OHSA supplement, effective 1 Aug 2001. Re: pulpit poundability. As of 01 August all pulpits must conform to HB 1107 setting standards for pulpit construction. Mandatory stress tolerance for all church pulpits must conform to the following stringencies: 250 lbs. per square inch for Methodist pulpits, 300 lbs. psi. for Nazarene, and a specially treated teak wood construction for Pentecostal pulpits able to bear a load of 500 psi. plus the combined weight of a drum set. Presbyterian and Episcopal pulpits have received a waver from the stress tolerance test.

From the National Bureau of Traffic Standards: As of 01 June 2002, pew-mounted seatbelts will be mandatory in all churches. The penalty for ignoring this standard will be the withholding of state road funds for the church’s parking lot. As a result of the 1998 study of "Movements of the Holy Spirit to Church Related Injuries," seatbelts will be required in all churches displaying charismatic tendencies. In certain Independent Bible churches, shoulder harnesses will also be required.

Presbyterian and Episcopal pulpits will have this regulation waved until evidence of further movement.

From the Department of Mental Health: Beginning 01 July 2001 no sermon may exceed 30 minutes in length, start to finish. If at the end of the first 14 minutes no discernable direction may be either implied or inferred the HB 750 10-run rule will become operative and the mandatory maximum will be lowered to 15 minutes.

From the Food and Drug Administration: In order to establish a non-discriminatory distribution of choice restaurant tables, each municipality will establish church dismissal times on a rotating basis.

Only the Pentecostal churches may apply for a waver of this legislation, opting instead for the evening meal dismissal.

Face it, what gaineth a church if it receives federal bucks but loses it very sole? Hook up Washington with the pulpit? Holy Moses!

You ever in Coonridge, stop by. We may not answer the door, but you’ll enjoy the trip.