Coonridge Digest: Communion & caffeine

Greetin’s from the Ridge.

"Herb, we need a coffee shop."

"We already got one."

"I mean at the church."

"Don’t confusion communion with caffeine, Freida. You’re messin’ with the separation of church and state here." "Herb, there is nothin’ governmental about coffee unless you’re the Brazilian Secretary of State."

"And I’m tellin’ you, Freida, that we get more governmental affairs settled down at the Quicky Stop coffee table than ever gets decided in Washington. Besides, a church is no place for commerce." "It says here that Houston’s Brentwood Baptist Church will open its own McDonalds right next to their church. They’ve even got a drive up." "For French fries or fellowship? I can just imagine pullin’ up for a Big Mac and some batter-coated acolyte askin’ me, ‘Do you want prayer with that?’"

"They’ve got a 10,000-member congregation and they call it a ‘holistic approach to reaching people.’ Herb, 10,000 Baptists can’t be wrong." "I only know two Baptists first-hand and they’ve both had their moments, Freida."

"And the article talks about a church in Muster, Indiana, where they’ve opened a Starbucks right in their church lobby. They call it the Heavenly Grounds Cafe and Bookstore. Herb, just think of the new image it could give our little Coonridge congregation to give ourselves a little class with designer coffee and a couple of cheese Danish." "Be ye not of the world, Freida!"

"You really should join the Moral Majority, Herb. You’ve got that surgical approach to the scriptures, carefully carvin’ out the ones that suit you and ignorin’ those that might cause you to shape up your own ship."

"It’s a silly idea. A church is for devotion, not double-cheese-with-everything."

"Okay, how about this one? The Messiah Christian Church in Wells, Maine, has opened a fitness center. For three hundred dollars a year you can stay spiritually fit without lapsin’ into physical flabbiness. Herb, the sum total of your fitness program is gettin’ in and out of the car."

"You have got the irritatin’ habit of makin’ every news event personal, Freida. When will you realize that there’s just a whole raft of things in this world that I don’t give a hoot about? Church coffee shops are at the top of that list. Go ahead and put a truck stop and car wash in the fellowship hall for all I care, just don’t expect me to pull my rig up and toot my horn to the tune of the Doxology." "It’s because of what you talk about down at the Quicky Stop, ain’t it?

Herb, you’re afraid that the blessed confines of a church might force you to clean up your subject matter."

"I ain’t afraid of nothin’ outside of Reba Meier’s ugly little poodle and a tax audit. I just don’t want to mix liturgy and latte. Gives me spiritual indigestion."

"It’s nothin’ new, Herb. How many European cathedrals have we visited where they got souvenirs for sale right in the lobby?" "Most of all ‘em. They say salvation is free but you gotta pay for the postcards."

"Herb, we even visited basilicas in Italy where we paid to get in the front door!"

"Freida, nobody’s gonna pay to tour the First Coonridge Semi-Congregational. When the weather’s good we practically got to pay ‘em to come."

"That’s my point, Herb. That’s just my point. Think what a drawin’ card it would be if we could offer Caribbean Cappuccino and cinnamon swirls at the front door! Shoot, we’d have your crowd of loafers on their knees inside of a week."

"Okay, I’ll go for it but you’ll need a spit can. Darrel Hymes has to have a can within spittin’ distance or he won’t come, I’ll guarantee you."

"Herb, that’s ridiculous!""And lots of sugar. Maurie Hill makes sort of compost with a half-jar of sugar. And don’t forget the sports page…" "Herb, you’re takin’ this too far."

"Then there’s the rug for Lou Wills’ hog boots, one of Wessels’ car repair calendars with that blonde bendin’ over the carburator…" "Herbert Crump! Just how far do you think I’m about to go to get folks in church!?"

"Not far enough, I guess."

You ever in Coonridge, stop by. We may not answer the door, but you’ll enjoy the trip.