Family Daze: Self Talk: No, this definitely is not a typo

OK, I admit it. I am one of those people addicted to self-help books. I can tell you how to get the truth in five minutes or less in any conversation. I’ve wandered the spiritual path to higher creativity, and I can state the nine fantasies that will ruin your life along with the eight realties that will save it.

On top of that, I’ve posed in the lotus position longer than most Buddhists, I’ve studied the Art of Zen, and I can say "Om Namo Narayanayayanaya" ten times in a row without stopping.

By now some of you are probably thinking that, with all this information, I should be a fairly enlightened person. You would think.

So you can imagine my surprise, then, when I heard about a new method for personal improvement called "self talk." This simply means that you can feel calm or worried or even change your behavior depending on what you tell yourself.

Let me just stop right here and say that this is the exactly the type of thing that makes this decade so refreshing. I mean, at any other time in history, if you told people that you were listening to voices in your head, they might make all kinds of unflattering assumptions. But now, it’s not only acceptable to listen to them, they are SUPPOSED to be there. You can’t imagine what a relief this is.

Naturally, though, there are some ground rules. For example, you are supposed to say positive, uplifting things to yourself like, "Gee, I feel a little stressed, but I’m going to find a healthy way to relax," rather than, "Don’t you even THINK about eating that piece of cake. Keep it up and pretty soon you’ll be trading in your lucky jeans for a set of gingham muumuus."

Another important rule, even with scientific progress being what it is today, is that it’s best to talk internally rather than carrying on heated conversations with yourself in places like, say, department store dressing rooms.

However, despite these restrictions, I am perfectly willing to try this. In fact you will hardly find anyone else on the planet more willing to talk to themselves than I am. Besides, and this may come as a shock, I am a person with many unresolved issues – most of which revolve around some form of shopping.

So the very next time I was in one of those big warehouse stores I decided to use self talk to control my spending habits

"Just look at that," I thought as I wandered down the personal necessity aisle, "A bag of eight hair brushes for only $10. What a deal!"

"Come on," my logical inner voice piped up. "What in the heck are you going to do with all those brushes?"

"Well, I can give them as gifts or use the larger ones as door stops."

"You don’t need them," it said firmly.

"Oh, but I do! I do! The orange one alone would cost me $7.50 at the beauty parlor," I pleaded.

"Remember the time you bought a pack of 32 golf balls and ended up using them to border the flowerbed?"

"Bu–"

"Put them back. NOW."

"Make me!"

I could tell by the way people were backing away from me, that I had spoken out loud. So I quickly returned the brushes to the shelf and grabbed a bottle of hairspray instead.

As soon as I left the aisle, I felt proud of my new self-control. And then, when I arrived in the bakery section, my inner self proceeded to talk me out of buying four dozen dinner rolls.

Next, as if that wasn’t enough, I went to the deli department for a gallon of potato salad, but my inner voice talked me out of that, too.

The final straw came when I reached for a 25-pound box of laundry detergent.

"But you can’t possibly use all tha-"

"Shut up," I said, tossing the box into the cart.

Needless to say, I did save money and, although there was nothing edible in the house, I did feel good about it. In fact, when the men with straight jackets show up at my door to take me away to a nice padded room, I’ll just explain all about self talk and feeling empowered and changing behavior and all that.

On second thought, maybe I’d better just say "Om Namo Narayanayayanaya."

Debbie Farmer is the author of "Life in the Fast-Food Lane: Surviving the Chaos of Parenting." Order online: http://www.booklocker.com/bookpages/debbiefamer02.html, call (925) 695-2020 x7166 or visit her website at: www.familydaze.com. Questions or comments? E-mail her at [email protected] or write to her c/o Paradigm News, Inc., P.O. Box 111372, Stamford CT 06911-1372

(C) Copyright 2001 Debbie Farmer

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