Are you political material?

by Jack Stapleton, Jr.

Let’s face it, not all of us are qualified to be politicians. The unpleasant truth is some of us lack the necessary requirements to lead others up the hill and over the cliff. The saddest part of it all is that today we have thousands, yea, even millions, of honest, God-fearing Americans who are unhappily committed to a lifetime of campaigns, elections, caucuses, deceit and smoke-filled rooms.

To meet this challenge, I’ve devised a psychiatrically sanctioned multiple choice test to determine whether you’re qualified to enter the world of Bill Clinton, Trent Lott, Ted Kennedy and Jesse Ventura. I especially recommend this test for small children who may have concluded that politics is a great deal like professional wrestling, the only difference being that sometimes in politics, the bad guy wins.

All right, future politicians of the world, pencils ready, begin!

I. Occupants of an alien spaceship from a highly advanced society visit your home one evening and present you with a small but sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty and eliminating violence all over the world. You decide to:

a. Present it to the President of the United States.

b. Give it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.

c. Claim it was invented by the chairman of your political campaign committee.

II. Complete this sentence: “A funeral is a good time for me to. .

a. “…remember the deceased and console his loved ones.”

b. “…reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.”

c. “…take a poll of the mourners to see how many believe I should run for office at the next election.”

III. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

a. A cat.

b. A dog.

c. A dog that eats cats.

IV. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Bill Clinton’s long, arduous journey from Hope, Arkansas to Washington led to so much political opposition and criticism.

a. He was being tested for his leadership.

b. He wanted his enemies to appreciate the Promised Land when they finally arrived.

c. He refused to stop and ask directions.

V. You have the tie-breaking vote of whether to approve or reject the appointment of John Ashcroft as Attorney General. You base your vote on…

a. …whether the nominee is qualified.

b. …how you believe he will perform in office.

c. …determine how much your vote is worth to both sides of the issue.

VI. Your are asked to serve on a committee to select your party’s next chairman and you must choose between voting for…

a. …your best friend

b. …your older brother

c. Yourself as a compromise candidate.

VII. In your opinion, what is the human race’s single greatest achievement?

a. Democracy.

b. Religion.

c. A political caucus.

VIII. At a rally of political independents, you decide to take which of the following approaches?

a. Extolling the virtues of independent voters.

b. Analyzing the good as well as the bad of political parties.

c. Enlist their support in your unending but expensive search for a cure for cancer, Alzheimer’s and heart disease.

How to score: give yourself one point for every time you picked answer “c.” Give yourself at least 5 extra points for looking up the answers before you began the test.