by Freida Marie Crump
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Greetin’s from the Ridge.
"Herb, you and Bill Clinton have lived on the same planet for the same eight years. How come he’s come out lookin’ better than you?" "He’s had more fun."
"I’m serious, Herb. Here’s a before and after picture of the ex-Pres and I’ll be derned if he don’t look better after two terms in office." "I don’t know what it is about him that appeals to you, but he looks better to me because he’s gone."
"Bite your tongue, you cussed Republican. Jimmy Carter was just there half as long and the job took him from the energetic bloom of youth to a haggard old man."
"Clinton came in lookin’ like a goofy kid, Freida. He just grew up is all."
"So what happened to Nixon? He looked awful when he left." "I saw the same face on Hubbie Newmeyer when my old man chased him out of the hen house. Nixon don’t count. He was bein’ chased. He left office with the worried look of a chicken thief." "I’m tellin’ ya Herb, Bill Clinton’s looks didn’t appeal to me at all when he took office. This here picture makes him look like an elder statesman."
"Hold the picture right side up. Every time you look at Clinton’s picture it leans to the left."
"Forget I even brought it up, Herb. Drink your coffee then go up town and soak with the other Republicans. I want to linger here a moment lookin’ at poor old Bill."
"Ford looked the same goin’ in as comin’ out." "Ford don’t count. He slept all the time he was in office. That’s why Republicans look better goin’ out of office, Herb. Lack of activity." "Reagan looked the same at both ends." "Reagan was a hundred and two when he took office, Herb. Besides, he was an actor. He knew which end to turn to the camera." "The paper here says that Clinton didn’t hardly sleep at all his last week of office. Said he wanted to savor ever last minute." "If he’d of stayed out of bed when he was…" "Herb!"
"What about George Senior? He’s still lookin’ lean and mean." "Wait ‘til the end of his son’s term, Herb. He and Barb are gonna look like two parents who’ve spent four years waitin’ up for their boys to come home. Every day’s headlines will carve another wrinkle into their worried heads. There’s nothin’ worse than seein’ your son or daughter vilified in the press."
"You haven’t mentioned Eisenhower."
"When Ike was President they respected the office. Nobody ever showed his picture wearin’ joggin’ shorts."
"So who’ve you chose as the best-lookin’ President, Frieda?" "Martin Sheen. Hands down, Martin Sheen." "I must of missed that part of the history lesson." "Go up town and drink your Republican coffee. I’m gonna frame this picture of Clinton and hang it over the dinin’ room table." "I’m not gonna eat with Bill Clinton starin’ at me." "We only eat there on Christmas. When my relatives come over you never look up anyway. I’ll put the tree in front of him if it’ll help your digestion."
"Freida, I will not have the picture of our most hanky-pankyin’ President hangin’ in my house! The man had the morals of mouse!" "We didn’t hire him to preach, Herb. Besides, if in four years of Bush there’s still a forest, wildlife preserve or unspoiled oil dig left, I’ll hang George beside Bill."
"You think we could compromise, Freida? Surely there’s a President we can agree on."
"What do you know about James Buchanan?" "Nothin’."
"Me neither. Put him up over the mantel." "Done."
"Done."
You ever in Coonridge, stop by. We may not answer the door, but you’ll enjoy the trip.