Coonridge Digest: Move it, Herbie! Me and Hoover are on a mission

Greetin’s from the Ridge.

"Herb, get up!"

"I’m not movin’, Freida. I may never move again." "I’m gonna vacuum under the couch and you’re gonna move. Up, Tonto!" "I can’t move, Freida. I’ve lost the will." "You lost the will to move six months after we were married. Besides, we’re talkin’ about my will here, not yours, and I will you UP!" "I’m depressed."

"Then go up town and mope with your caffeinated brethren. Somebody in this house has to work."

"It’s no use, Freida. I’m plumb drained of gumption." "Okay Herb, I can see that I’m not gonna get this room cleaned ‘til I hear your tale of woe. What’s in your craw today?" "Montgomery Ward."

"You’ve lost your mind. Get up before I turn the suction hose on your socks."

"First Oldsmobile then Montgomery Ward. I’m the only reliable thing left on Earth."

"I should have started with the kitchen." "What’s next, Freida? Hunts ketchup? The constitution? What’s left, Freida? Just me and the ketchup bottle. I feel awful old today." "You are old Herb, and you’re makin’ definite inroads on awful." "The world is fallin’ apart at the seams, Freida. The center will not hold."

"Forget the center. I just want to get the edges. You grab one end of the couch and.. ."

"It’s no use tryin’ to cheer me up, Freida." "I’m not tryin’ to cheer you up, you old poop! I could care less right now whether your mirth meter registers or not! This time tomorrow you’ll be in some other undecipherable mood and I’ll have to ignore that one too or this place’ll be a mess! Move it, Herbie! Me and Mr. Hoover are on a mission!"

"What was wrong with Oldsmobile, Freida?" "It had no suction. I don’t know. Since when did you fall in love with Oldsmobiles? You’ve always driven Pontiacs." "A Pontiac’s the brother to the Olds. It’s a kinship thing." "And you never shopped at Montgomery Wards after we got stung on that dryer."

"I was just fixin’ to go back."

"My foot! Herb, it’s the way of the world! Those that can swim the tide make it and others just get beached."

"The economic analysts said that Montgomery Wards should have specialized. Said they tried to be all things to all people. That’s me, Freida. That’s me exactly."

"Herb, you ain’t even much to a few people." "That’s harsh, Freida."

"I’m mad. I got a right."

"They said that the Olds was like several others cars that did the same thing better."

"You. That’s you. There, we’ve reached an agreement in this summit. Now go take a walk in the snow. Bury a bone or somethin’. I’ve got the Guild comin’ at seven and this room is a disaster." "You think that’s what they’ll do to us someday, Freida? Just sell off our stock and take our name off the tickertape?" "Let me tell you somethin’, Herbie boy. I plan to be useful and active until the day they roll up my cord and stuff me in the closet." "I don’t know about useful and active but you’ll be irritatin’ and infuriatin’."

"Herb, it’s this awful winter. You’ve been cooped up too long. A body sits around too many days and he gets to thinkin’ the world don’t need him."

"Does it?"

"Gimme a minute. I’ll think of somethin’." "I rest my case."

"Move it, Herb!"

"Why bother, Freida? Just why bother? The Guild will meet tonight, clean carpet or not, and in the grand scheme of things your Hoover Upright Super-Sucker won’t really change things one way or the other." "You could depress a hyena, Herb. Look, I’m gonna clean this carpet and clean you in the process if I have to, and all of this for no other reason than there’s a job to do and I’m gonna do it! Now are you movin’ or do you want to spend the rest of the evenin’ pullin’ a suctin hose off you spindly little chest?"

I wish it’d warm up. We all need a break. You ever in Coonridge, stop by. We may not answer the door, but you’ll enjoy the trip.