Coonridge Digest: Do we really need this?

Greetin’s from the Ridge.

If I’m lyin’, I’m dyin’. Two brothers in Missouri have come up with the deal of a lifetime – so to speak. For around six thousand bucks or so, they’ll make you a grave marker with a video player and television screen embedded into the headstone. Anybody who’s curious can walk up to your eternal place of rest, push a button and see a full-color video of your life.. or whatever else you’re of a mind to put on it.

Like genetically-modified sheep, it seems like another entry in the ever-growin’ category of "Do we really need this?" California (where else?) was the first to install drive-up funeral parlors, thus relievin’ the mourner of the terrible burden of gettin’ out of his car to pay his final respects. I have no doubt that a couple of young bucks in San Diego are workin’ on a plan whereby you can be born, married, procreate, and die in the same Pontiac without ever havin’ to bother gettin’ out other than to change the oil filter.

I can recall when death was still a relatively simple matter. You just did it without much of a plan. I can well remember my grandma harkin’ back to the days of wakes held right in the family’s livin’ room.

Friends would come and stay the entire night and even longer if necessary.

The average American funeral today costs $4800. The AARP lists the costs of the average coffin at around two thousand bucks. Some folks are now buyin’ ‘em ahead of time on the Internet. Makes you wonder where they store ‘em until the need arises. The garage? As a planter on the patio? Or maybe just as spare bed in case friends drop in?

A ‘green’ group in Germany will send you a hate letter if you use a mahogany coffin, figurin’ that most mahogany is stolen from rain forests and at least one man dies for each stolen log. Bein’ deceased, you’re under no compulsion to answer their letter.

A company in London will give you a deal if you order two funerals at once. Of course, this requires some advance plannin’ and some more-than-customary cooperation on the part of your favorite loved one.

I guess you could sign up then just have ‘em put you on ice ‘til the next customer comes along. I can’t even use the restroom when there’s another customer present. I can’t imagine sharin’ a funeral.

A firm in Minneapolis no longer lists itself as a funeral home, but as "An Institution of Final Resolve." Uh-yea. Last month they allowed a widow to drive the hearse to the cemetery. This one appealed to me but Herb allowed as how I tend to let my attention to wonder when behind the wheel and opted for the regular driver.

A firm in Great Britain called Creative Endings advocates the use of biodegradable coffins. Some even opt for a plain wooden board and shroud. They encourage British cemeteries to recycle graves, burying newcomers in already occupied sites that are over 100 years old. You can also arrange to rent your gravesite with the promise that you’ll not have company for at least 75 years. I guess after that time you just have to get up and move.

This group also runs their own Woodland Crematoriums where the ashes are spread over a pasture with its own wildlife manager. Your family will be sent a monthly newsletter as to what flora and fauna have galloped over you in the last 30 days. You can choose the type of butterflies set free over your grave but there’s no guarantee they’ll stay put. It’d be just my luck to shell out a small fortune for giant Monarchs, only to have ‘em flit over Uncle Myron’s ashes.

The video deal in Great Britain is a good deal cheaper. They’ll make your film for about 30 pounds British but won’t install it in your headstone. Videos are not easily biodegradable. You’ll have to send this one home with the family.

Everything I read on the subject says, "Be a smart consumer! Shop for prices!" But there’s somethin’ about the vision of me haulin’ Aunt Matilda all over town ‘til I get the best rate, that really puts me off my feed. And what if they say, "No, but we’ll be running a special next week." I mean, just where do you put her ‘til the prices come down? Maybe on the back patio in your pre-ordered coffin.

Herb and I follow the traditional American pattern of funeral plannin’.

Each of us swears that all we want is a plain pine box, knowin’ full well that the other won’t follow our wishes for fear that the mourners will look upon us as tight-fisted.

Sorry for the morbidity but Herb and I revised our wills this week. The networks have announced that it may be weeks before we get the election settled and I’m not sure I can last through another month of this.

You ever in Coonridge, stop by. We may not answer the door, but you’ll enjoy the trip.