Missouriana

by Jack Stapleton, Jr.

*Since Halloween and Election Day have so much in common – strangers at your door begging for handouts – wouldn’t it be a good idea to combine them?

*Election campaigns will remain unpopular with the public until politicians promise to outlaw used car salesmen on television.

*If this year’s campaign is any indication of the government Missourians will have for four years, concerned voters may want to consider moving to the Middle East.

*No wonder the U.S. has such poor public health ratings: most of our medical advice comes from patent medicine commercials on television.

*Maybe what America has always needed most is a good 5 cent cigar, but these days wouldn’t it be nice to have a candy bar costing less than $5?

*Some can’t make up their minds which is worse: having Gore or Bush as the next president or entering the winter flu season without an adequate supply of vaccine.

*The principal advantage of having a subway World Series in New York was that so much of the country cared so little.