Let’s get crazy: A look at the bright side of campaigns

by Jack Stapleton, Jr.

The other night I was dreaming about appearing on “So You Want to Be a Millionaire.” I was awakened by a loud, thundering voice that said, “Stop writing about all the negatives of this year’s campaign and concentrate on the positive side…you’re scaring half your readers to death by constantly criticizing those poor souls who are only trying to make the world safe for democracy…cut it out or you’ll never appear on Philbin’s show…ever!”

I was dramatically traumatized, perspiring like a wart-hog in August, almost falling out of bed reaching for the light. My stirring apparently awakened my wife. She mumbled, “Stop thrashing about…you’re keeping me awake half the night worrying about this year’s campaign…and if you don’t, I’ll never cook you pancakes again…ever!”

Torn between the two totally different threats, I debated for some time on whether to listen to Voice No. 1 or Voice No. 2. I finally decided that the second threat was hardly a new one…I’m always disturbing my wife’s sleep and she’s always threatening to stop fixing pancakes. No, it was the new voice, the thunderous one that seemed to echo as if it were coming from Meramec Caverns that I decided to obey.

So, if Whoever spoke to me the other night is listening, I want you to know this column is devoted, totally and completely, to the positive side of this year’s political campaigns, wherever they might be and whoever they may include.

Positive No. 1: Without campaigns, most thoughtful citizens would have to turn their thoughts to such subjects as how to save the environment, how to improve care for the mentally ill and what can be done to end our trade imbalance. Campaigns do not help us solve any of these problems. But at least they provide a diversion from tackling dilemmas that have far more far-reaching effects on our lives.

Positive No. 2: Campaigns provide a healthy outlet for the mental and physical prowess of citizens who somehow have reached the conclusion they’re better than any of the poor souls who must endure their monotonous self-gratifying speeches and campaign claims. By the end of a season, the innocent voter is left with such a jaded frame of mind that he would vote for anyone who promised to end the dribble that passes for campaign dialogue in a presumably civilized society.

Positive No. 3: Campaigns help the average voter realize how serious things have become in a society that finds cultural significance in professional wrestling and is actually anxious to see the second season of “Survivor.” If we weren’t’ served such seemingly endless tripe as “The Jerry Springer Show” and fourth-time reruns of ancient “Seinfelds,” how would we realize to what depths our society has sunk? Campiagns help us pledge we will do all we can to restore some rational sanity to our sodden society.

Positive No. 4: Campaigns serve as diversion for candidates who, if not otherwise occupied, might be out robbing banks, tilting cows or harassing nursing home patients. Consider how many politicians who have gone to jail in recent years compared to the number of your neighbors who have spent time behind bars. At times our state capitols hold more criminals, caught or otherwise, than can be found in a St Louis City weekend lockup. We’re just lucky none of us realizes how many potential criminals we help elect to office, where they are free to write laws designed to grant them amnesty, thus keeping them out of jail.

Positive No. 5: If it weren’t for campaigns, we’d be seeing twice as many laxative commercials, three times as many used-car salesmen and four times the number of psychic frauds who now hunt us down the moment we turn on our TV sets.

All right, Voice No. 1, there’s the column you demanded. If you respond tonight with more threats of no more pancakes, I’ll even promise to take a politician to church.

[Missouri News & Editorial Service, Inc. Copyright (C) 2000 MNES Corp.]