Quips by Jack Stapleton, Jr.
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Missouriana
*Congressional Democrats claim Republicans are opposed to federal health programs for the elderly, but their charge is vehemently denied by 97-year-old Strom Thurmond.
*Missouri officials are still searching for a solution to the 15-Year Road Plan, apparently hoping Dorothy will wander over from Kansas, bringing the gold highway to Oz with her.
*The jobless rate is so low the Department of Labor is having trouble finding people to announce the nation’s record employment totals.
*One of the reasons St. Louis Rams’ coach Dick Vermeil decided to take retirement is he kept recalling all the times he needed a bodyguard to walk down St. Louis streets.
*A comforting fact to keep in mind while watching a weather forecaster predict tomorrow’s weather is that he probably knows more than those who predict results of the next election.
*The major problem with pro wrestlers playing in a new football conference is that the winning team isn’t known before the kickoff.
*America’s next goal should be to get the NFL’s murder rate below the national average.