Translating politics

by Jack Stapleton Jr.

If you’re confused by today’s politics, it’s probably because candidates’ speeches, press releases and op-ed pieces lack translations. Here’s how to understand what’s going on in American politics these days.

Campaign statement: “I am carefully considering my candidacy in next year’s election. I must tell you that I have been flooded with demands from friends and strangers to make this race, and I will carefully consider their suggestions.”

Translation: “Of course I’m running, where have you been? I’ve already hired a political consultant and 18 fund-raisers, leased an office, ordered my wife to get her hair dyed and threatened my kids that if they get in trouble with the law one more time, I’ll put them up for adoption.”

Campaign press release: “Highly acclaimed political candidate Conrad Caucus said today he was convinced that his election would mean a difference in the future of America. The popular candidate said his extensive research on the needs of the average citizen has convinced him that only he (and not his slippery opponent) can restore the American public’s confidence in government and our great American way of life. In answer to his opponent’s attention-gaining demands for full public disclosure of all candidates’ incomes for the past 10 years, candidate Caucus said he would be only too happy to turn over his tax returns and intends to contact his accountant when this poor innocent man is released from federal prison.”

Translation: “We had a hunch our scumbag opponent would demand that we release our tax returns, which is why we hired someone to torch our home and office. Now let them try to find those illegal contributions to Caucus-for-Congress from the Russian Mafia and the republics of China, Iran and Iraq.”

Campaign Speech: “Fellow Americans, I stand before you today as a representative of the Common Citizen, that hard-working, honest and dedicated American who has spent his entire life trying to save up to buy a modest vacation home on the Isle of Tuhututu but has thus far failed because of the high taxes on unearned income, inheritance gifts and casino winnings. I want to give this splendid citizen a legacy by reducing his taxes and making his retirement one of happiness and bliss. A vote for Caucus is a vote for a man who is dedicated to preserving the great American tradition of hiding as much money as possible from Uncle Sam.”

Translation: “If we keep on mentioning vacation homes on Tuhututu, maybe the campaign money we used to buy the island will pay off and we can get it back through the Caucus plan to end the capital gains tax. Our Swiss bank accounts could be cashed out if we get these tax changes through the next session, and then the Caucus family can spend the rest of our lives in luxury. With our government pension, we could buy another island and double our money before we have to take retirement. I knew there was a way to beat the system!”

Election Night Speech: “Thank you, good friends who have taken time from your busy schedules to be here with Mrs. Caucus and all the little Caucuses as we stand before you, having prevailed in what the press has unfairly and inaccurately called ‘the dirtiest political campaign in U.S. history.’ I don’t believe that charge for one minute, and I categorically deny that we employed an attractive blonde of questionable reputation to make accusations against our high-living, free swinging, alternative-lifestyle opponent. While I regret news that my opponent’s wife has left him and taken the children with her, I think it is only fair to say that she had no choice but to rid her life of any association with her skirt-chasing husband. The voters have spoken, endorsing my insistence that this campaign be conducted at the highest level of mutual respect and trust. Thank you, and for those who have not yet had a chance to contribute to our winning, patronage-laden campaign fund, you may leave your checks, although we prefer cash, with our campaign treasurer, my wife. She is the one standing over there in the dimly lit corner wearing a green eyeshade.”

Translation: “If we do well with these last-minute contributions, we could show a profit for the campaign, which would let me invest in another island. Look at those blood-sucking schemers rushing toward my wife. I hope she remembers not to give any of them a receipt. Yes, the voters have spoken: Caucus Reigns Forever!”

Associated Press News Story: “The Justice Department revealed today that it has completed a thorough investigation into the financial affairs of Congressman Conrad Caucus and will turn its findings over to a federal grand jury tomorrow. A spokesman for the department would only say the investigation had proved to be ‘shocking’ and ‘nauseating.'”

Caucus Press Release: “Congressman Caucus has again denied he did anything improper during his last three campaigns, asserting that the Justice Department probe is ‘a disgraceful example of partisan politics’ carried out by ‘small-minded politicians who are jealous of my financial success in creating a cartel that owns more than 1,000 retirement homes on a string of islands in the tropics.’ The congressman said investors can still get in on the ground floor before the grand jury meets.”

Translation: “The jig is up, the feds have the facts and the only thing to do now is buy the judge. See if he’ll take care of us for a free retirement home.”

Ten years later: Former Congressman Conrad Caucus was released today from prison and told waiting reporters he was returning to his hometown to launch a fund campaign to build a Caucus Memorial Museum & Library. He said he wanted the institution to conduct research on foreign land investments. When asked who would be named executive director, Caucus winked and said, “I promised the voters I would not be the first politician in the history of America to go on food stamps!”

[Missouri News & Editorial Service, Inc. Copyright (C) 1999 MNES Corp.]