It’s a lot of fish, and that’s no bull story

by Denny Banister

The USDA is considering placing farm-raised fish under the category of livestock in order to bring aquaculture under federal regulations. By including fish in the category of livestock, the USDA feels their regulations could be beneficial for the health of fish, and fish farmers feel such a move would prove beneficial to the industry of aquaculture by enhancing global marketability.

While placing fish in the livestock category can be a win-win situation for farmers and consumers alike, picturing fish as livestock is somewhat humorous. When I think of livestock, I think of four-legged critters. Even my dictionary defines livestock as ‘domestic animals such as cattle or horses.’ The closest fish to the definition of livestock would be the humped back buffalo fish and sea horses.

Oh, sure, I guess you could say bottom feeders like catfish and suckers ‘graze for forage’ in their underwater pastures, but do livestock eat worms and stink bait? And can you imagine cattle being lured to artificial hay? No matter how real it may look or how appetizing it may be presented, do you think cattle would bite plastic alfalfa?

Would schools of fish be referred to as herds? When netting fish, would you call it a roundup? I have heard of tagged fish, but where would fish ranchers put the big plastic livestock ear tags on trout? Do trout even have ears? If so, where are they? If not, can they hear when they’re being called like farmers call cattle?

If fish are livestock and livestock are fish, would we have to alter some old sayings? If you were suspicious, would you say ‘something smells cowey?’ Have you ever heard of taking a ‘fish by the horns?’ Would we find ourselves describing things like a ‘lunker in a china shop’ or a ‘bull out of water?’

Having worked on a livestock farm, I remember chopping ice from the ponds during hard freezes so the cattle could drink – but have you ever heard of fish getting thirsty? The only time I ever chopped holes in the ice for fish, it wasn’t for their benefit at all. And how could you brand fish? Would the branding iron work under water?

Including fish in the category of livestock could have serious consequences for sports in America. What would happen to baseball and football? Can you imagine going out and playing a little catch by ‘tossing around the old fish scales?’ Would rodeo cowboys try to ride bull-heads? Can you imagine placing bets on fish to win, place or show?

And then there’s the religious issue. If fish are considered livestock, what would we be able to eat on Fridays in Lent? And why do I feel like Andy Rooney, anyway?

Editor’s note: Denny Banister of Jefferson City, Mo., is assistant director of information and public relations for the Missouri Farm Bureau, the state’s largest farm organization.