by Jack Stapleton, Jr.
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by Jack Stapleton, Jr.
I believe Missourians made a major mistake when a majority voted in the last millennium to permit gambling casinos in their state, just as long as they weren’t located within 100 feet of a church. The vote was fairly close, but not close enough to prevent the immediate arrival of plane loads of Las Vegas high-rollers from entering the state and setting up shop. The vote might have been closer had not a majority of Show-Me residents not been laboring under the mistaken belief that the casinos’ slot machines and roulette wheels would be discreetly out of sight on majestic looking steamboats that plied the streams “where the rivers run.”
All of this is mere speculation, however. It really has nothing to do with the point I’d like to make before the final paragraph of this piece.
What really concerns me, is that state officials say our collective treasury is slowly running out of money. They say that along about next Thanksgiving we may all be eating bologna sandwiches instead of a plump, fresh Missouri-bred turkey and dressing. I don’t like the sound of this. I suspect four of five million others don’t either. The bottom line is that we either raise additional state revenue, which is a polite way of saying jacking up taxes, or we start doing away with such niceties as bars on prison windrows and drive on even worse highways than we have now.
Before our elected officials start running to the microphone to suggest that each of us could eat a little less for the next 12 months and postpone our next medical examination, I think it’s wise that those of us who aren’t running for public office — a slim majority, unfortunately — would do well to suggest some clever, innovative ways of raising enough cash in Jefferson City to keep four or five million of us out of the poor house.
You’ll be glad to know I have an excellent plan, which I’m sure you’ll agree to when faced with the possibility of having our next governor serve Kool-Aid at his inauguration party or doing away with numerous proposed new stadiums in St. Louis, Kansas City, Columbia, Springfield and Peculiar. I’ll be happy to reveal my proposal, thank you.
Some of you with good memories may recall that in the first paragraph I mentioned the presence of a growing number of casinos in our state. Despite a few dealers suffering from sticky fingers who suddenly disappear into the dark of night, these casinos are making a killing; their coffers are running over, with no shortages in sight. These people are so greedy they want the last restriction forbidding brain-dead customers from losing their family farm in only two hours removed so they can retire and go back to New Jersey where they came from.
As far as can be determined, particularly after Lindbergh/McDonnell Douglas/Boeing lost out on the last Pentagon contract, the casinos are the only semi-legitimate business showing a profit in Show-Me Land. Ford and Chrysler and Sprint and International Shoe and all the other famous names aren’t making a dime these days. We’ve lost more native Missouri names — Monsanto, Ralston Purina, Garaveli’s, Southwestern Bell — than we can keep up with.
Thus, Jefferson City, long the bastion of surplus millions, is starting to limp. Those of you with long memories may recall that I mentioned I had a plan to forestall state capital bankruptcy. Okay, here it is: The sovereign State of Missouri takes over all organized gambling within its borders and 12 miles out to sea. Who’s going to stop us? George W. is busy looking for Osama and the chief legal officer in Washington is a former governor of Missouri who experienced the same cashless pains when he was sitting on the second floor of the Capitol and is no doubt sympathetic to anyone suffering the same fate. The casinos want to lift the loss limit so they can rob customers with greater ease. So, we’ll go them one better. We’ll confiscate their permanent barges so the state can rob its constituents.
After all, if Washington can hold suspects for weeks and months without a court order, invalidate state voters’ wishes and eavesdrop on privileged lawyer-client conversations surely the sovereign State of Missouri can get a little piece of the legal action in our land. When it comes to tax cuts, we’ll be able to support George W in spades or slot machines.
[Missouri News & Editorial Service Inc. Copyright (C) 2001 MNES Corp.]